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Post by Tiger on Jun 15, 2010 3:09:53 GMT -5
Sextuple points if you actually do it.
Octuple if your uncle never asks you to accompany him again.
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Post by tolpuddlemartyr on Jun 15, 2010 3:17:44 GMT -5
Earplugs
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Post by rookie on Jun 15, 2010 9:47:19 GMT -5
I used to get roaring drunk on Saturday nights. Then Sunday mornings I'd ride out the hangover in church. Catholic masses are great for that. It's quiet, most of the time you're just sitting there. The organ is soft and soothing. Just a quick shower and change of clothes (it's considered bad form to show up looking/acting/smelling like Keith Richards) and you're on your way. And, as it's been pointed out, it's a relatively short service, certainly under an hour. The plus is the donuts at the donut shop should still be reasonably fresh. And you still have most of your Sunday to do whatever it is you had planned (nap then sports).
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Post by The_L on Jun 20, 2010 20:54:16 GMT -5
Triple points if you imagine you're doing it and everyone is just having service in spite of it. Don't remove the service from the room in your imagination. It's hilarious. Trust me on this. Don't ask. Does imagining your church's statues of Mary and Joseph doing it on the altar count? After all, they were married...
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Post by Lady Renae on Jun 20, 2010 21:28:57 GMT -5
Yes... yes it does.
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Phys
Full Member
Posts: 137
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Post by Phys on Jun 25, 2010 2:40:41 GMT -5
The best technique I've found for getting through mass is to zone out and think of something else, or, if you are any good at it, doze lightly (I used to be the senior altar server in my parish, and if I had checked the set-up before hand, I could go through the whole mass dozing through each of the parts that didn't require any activity from me, although that took about a year and a half to avoid waking up too early). I also volunteered to take up the collection, which was definitely not because there was a pretty girl who wore low-cut tops who sat next to the aisle When I have to go now I usually do it, on the basis that I'm not actually helping any of the Church's programs (because there's dozens of people who could do it) and it gives me an excuse to get up and walk around. Depending on what your hair is like, you might be able to wear in-ear headphones, or at least one of the pair, and put on an audiobook or something, which I saw done at school. The best diversion (and the least useful for you) I have seen was a man who used to bring his children each week, but would sit there reading the paper. I have no idea why he came, since he was divorced and single, so it isn't like he was trying to please his wife or something.
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Post by MaybeNever on Jun 25, 2010 10:49:54 GMT -5
Endure. In enduring, grow strong.
When I was kid, our services were about ninety minutes on regular Sundays and I was usually serving on the altar. If you can live in your head you're fine.
That said, I think it sort of violates the agreement, at least in spirit, if you don't pay attention to the service and reflect on what is being said. If you're here, odds are you aren't going to suddenly find God or some such thing, but I'd guess it's what your uncle intended when he made the request (assuming he didn't say something like this outright). When you agreed, I think that put a certain ethical obligation on you to fulfill the most probable terms to the best of your abilities.
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Post by Lady Renae on Jun 25, 2010 15:49:31 GMT -5
Ooh! I just had an idea! Bring a Pokemon game and play on mute during service. ^-^
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Post by mistermuncher on Jun 25, 2010 16:18:16 GMT -5
If you're here, odds are you aren't going to suddenly find God or some such thing, In my experience, one isn't any more likely to find him at Mass. You might get lucky and encounter a pretty cool priest (they exist! I know two and count them as friends), but as for the Big Yin Upstairs, nah.
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Post by malendras on Jun 26, 2010 0:17:56 GMT -5
My strategy, honed by years of catholic school, weddings and funerals, it to just pick apart the sermon and overanalyze the mass itself. Make an internal checklist of funny phrases. (After a few years, I had a list of phrases from the sermons I remembered, and tried to see how many the priest said every day.) Wear an Iron Maiden shirt. Shake hands with the priest afterwards. See if he says anything. Imagine "in my pants" after every bible quote. Let the communion cracker sit on your tongue for a few seconds and it'll taste sweeter, the saliva breaking down the carbs into sugar. By far the worst part is the terrible singing, they cannot find a decent singer at my local church. The best diversion (and the least useful for you) I have seen was a man who used to bring his children each week, but would sit there reading the paper. I have no idea why he came, since he was divorced and single, so it isn't like he was trying to please his wife or something. If the kids are in catholic school, they might be required to go to church.
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Post by Distind on Jun 26, 2010 5:44:44 GMT -5
It's a fantastic place for the old "What's the absolute worst thing I could say right now" game, though. That's a game? I thought it was just my sense of humor conspiring to keep my mouth shut.
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Post by Armand Tanzarian on Jun 26, 2010 9:20:51 GMT -5
My dear Clockworkgirl, I will pay you (maybe) if you bring a tape recorder to church and record the sermons. I've always wanted to release an album of musique concrete, laying music to fire-and-brimstone preachers.
Ok I dunno about the paying part. But I'll be greatly in debt if you do that.
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Post by davedan on Jun 27, 2010 23:29:29 GMT -5
try to stimulate yourself to orgasm without being noticed. Points if you achieve it and pass it off as being 'touched by the spirit'
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Post by Rime on Jun 28, 2010 11:47:34 GMT -5
Endure. In enduring, grow strong. In knowing the teachings of Zerthimon, I have become stronger.
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Post by Radiation on Jun 28, 2010 18:04:03 GMT -5
try to stimulate yourself to orgasm without being noticed. Points if you achieve it and pass it off as being 'touched by the spirit' I have actually done this before, as a teen when I was in a Baptist church. It was so boring and the preacher dude was all hell fire and brimstone. I was/am able to achieve orgasm without stimulation, just my mind. Heh, did it at school too when I was much younger though I didn't understand what the hell it was Ok I'm gonna shut up now.
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