Christian "dark" humor

[jlujan69]

My preacher told the following tale last Sunday to his congregation:

Little Johnny was having trouble in math class. His liberal Agnostic parents tried everything they could think of to improve his grades: private tutors, computer programs, one on one's with his math teachers, getting involved themselves with his school work, but still to no avail. So, somewhat desperate, they finally decided to enroll him in a Catholic school reputed to have and excellent math program. On day one, Johnny, came home and made a bee-line up to his room to study, only coming down for dinner and then back upstairs to study. Day two, same thing. This continued for the next six weeks until his report card came out. Mom and dad got an unexpected surprise. Straight A's--even in math. Happily and a bit curious, they asked him what was different about this school that motivated him to do so well. Was it the school uniforms, religious education, strict nuns? No, Johnny replied. Rather, on his first day of school, he noticed large "plus signs" with a man nailed to them all over the campus and even the church. "I just knew", Johnny said, "that these people here take their math REAL seriously!"

[Napoleon the Clown]

ZING!

Humans: We nailed our god to a tree. Don't fuck with us.

[Thejebusfire]

I thought it was funny.

[Sigmaleph]

Funny. Heard it before, though.

[The Lazy One]

Heh, I remember that one. Made me lol.

[Kisare]

I lol'ed....slightly.

[Smurfette Principle]

This is one my priest told:

An atheist is being attacked by a bear. He runs, but he trips over a rock, and the bear leans in for the kill. He cries out, "Oh God, save me!"

Suddenly, time stops, a bright light fills the air, and he hears a booming voice say, "YOU HAVE SPENT YOUR LIFE CONVINCING OTHERS I DO NOT EXIST. YET HERE YOU ARE BEGGING MY MERCY. WHY SHOULD I HELP YOU?"

"Oh, God," says the atheist, "Make me a Christian and let me live!"

"I AM OMNISCIENT. I SEE THAT YOU WILL SOON REJECT MY WAYS AND BECOME AN ATHEIST AGAIN."

"True enough," says the atheist, but thinking quickly he says, "Well, if you can't make me a Christian, could you make the bear a Christian?"

"FINE."

So the bright light hits the bear and disappears. The bear stops, straightens, blinks, then puts its paws together and starts to pray.

"Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts..."

[Mlle Antéchrist]

I heard the same joke, except with a Christian being tossed to a lion by Romans. Interestingly enough, I heard it from a total Jesus-nut.

[tolpuddlemartyr]

Chuckled.

[Rime]

Oct 4, 2010 17:59:31 GMT -5 jlujan69 said:

My preacher told the following tale last Sunday to his congregation:

Little Johnny was having trouble in math class. His liberal Agnostic parents tried everything they could think of to improve his grades: private tutors, computer programs, one on one's with his math teachers, getting involved themselves with his school work, but still to no avail. So, somewhat desperate, they finally decided to enroll him in a Catholic school reputed to have and excellent math program. On day one, Johnny, came home and made a bee-line up to his room to study, only coming down for dinner and then back upstairs to study. Day two, same thing. This continued for the next six weeks until his report card came out. Mom and dad got an unexpected surprise. Straight A's--even in math. Happily and a bit curious, they asked him what was different about this school that motivated him to do so well. Was it the school uniforms, religious education, strict nuns? No, Johnny replied. Rather, on his first day of school, he noticed large "plus signs" with a man nailed to them all over the campus and even the church. "I just knew", Johnny said, "that these people here take their math REAL seriously!"

The one I heard had the parents being Jewish, and the punchline was "First day of school, you see a Jewish guy hanging from the chapel, they mean business!" I got a good chuckle out of it.

Rabbi Greenberg is sitting alone in the sanctuary of his synagogue. Crying. He is clutching a prayer book in one hand and handwritten letter in the other. Tears are streaming down his upturned face and his chest heaves and sobs.

"Why, Lord?" he cries out. "Why did this have to happen? How could my son, my only son destroy me like this? My-my only son-he converted to Christianity!"

And a great voice booms from the heavens: "YOURS TOO?"