JamaicanJesus
Full Member
I like my chinese food made fresh
Posts: 151
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Post by JamaicanJesus on Dec 12, 2010 9:10:25 GMT -5
ok i got you all beat:
the pope and bill clinton die at the same time. however, st. peter got a mix-up at the pearly gates and allowed bill clinton into heaven and the pope was sent to hell. in 3 hours, st. peter gets an emergency call from satan saying that he needs to clear up this mishap right away because the pope is down in hell blessing everything in sight and causing havoc down there. st. peter realizes his mistake and arranges the exchange. so as the pope is about to enter heaven and bill clinton is leaving for hell, the pope asks clinton if he had a good time. clinton says that he had a blast and that the pope is lucky to be going there. "yes," the pope says, "it has always been a dream of mine to finally meet the virgin mary" bill clinton responded, "oh well you're about 2 hours late for that, pal"
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Post by death is the road to awe on Dec 28, 2010 15:57:27 GMT -5
I was sitting on the toilet one day, and a light flashed before my eyes.
I froze, mid-log.
A voice said, "Watcha doin?"
I turned my head, and who should I see but God, in the shower, looking at me.
"Taking a shit," I said.
He smiled. "Can I see?"
I thought for a moment, and said, "Okay. Come here."
****
Later, in bed.
I rolled over on my side, looked at God, and said, "Do you always watch when I'm on the toilet?"
He smiled. "Yes, of course. I'm everywhere, you know."
EDIT
Apparently, God is Stewie Griffin.
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Post by Ranger Joe on Dec 31, 2010 10:55:31 GMT -5
My name is Joe Cariola and I deny the holy spirit.
(If you can deny something that doesn't exisit...)
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Post by Ranger Joe on Dec 31, 2010 11:04:00 GMT -5
Anyone feel bad for Lot's wife? So here she is, running from a town being smote with fire and brimstone, screams of the dying echoing across the desert plains, and all she's told is to not look back? That's sort of callous. "Don't look back at your friends and neighbors as they writhe in agony, honey!" She looks back and BAM! Margaritaville.
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Post by wolfgangravenna on Jan 6, 2011 9:46:38 GMT -5
Currently in the works: The Greatest Story Ever Told: The porn.
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Post by davedan on Jan 6, 2011 18:18:17 GMT -5
I always thought that Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt, and indeed the whole Sodom and Gommorah thing, was just part of a long winded explanation of how Lot ended up boning his daughters, kind of like the priest and the frog.
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Post by Smurfette Principle on Jan 7, 2011 21:41:43 GMT -5
I always thought that Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt, and indeed the whole Sodom and Gommorah thing, was just part of a long winded explanation of how Lot ended up boning his daughters, kind of like the priest and the frog. Pfff, the girls were totally asking for it, the harlots!
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Post by Sigmaleph on Jan 9, 2011 16:28:56 GMT -5
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Post by Smurfette Principle on Jan 9, 2011 19:44:52 GMT -5
I know. I'm saying that the Biblical story boils down to "They totally wanted it!" in response to davedan's comment.
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Post by Chi Shiro on Jan 15, 2011 9:37:19 GMT -5
Didn't you know, Lordy? God knocked her up. I'm curious as to whether she consented or not. That made something occur to me. God of the OT is angry, wrathful, etc. In the NT he's a lot nicer. If he knocked up Mary, maybe his problem was he had a serious case of blue balls and getting laid calmed him down. Is that what your problem is, Nap? *whistles innocently and walks away*
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Post by Ian1732 on Jan 17, 2011 22:24:30 GMT -5
You want blasphemy? I'll give you blasphemy!
I think that Gene Wilder was a terrible Willy Wonka.
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Post by Sleepy on Jan 18, 2011 8:35:22 GMT -5
You want blasphemy? I'll give you blasphemy! I think that Gene Wilder was a terrible Willy Wonka.
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IanC
Full Member
Posts: 207
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Post by IanC on Jan 19, 2011 17:40:18 GMT -5
You want blasphemy? I'll give you blasphemy! I think that Gene Wilder was a terrible Willy Wonka. I.... agree!
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Post by Smurfette Principle on Jan 19, 2011 23:24:30 GMT -5
You want blasphemy? I'll give you blasphemy! I think that Gene Wilder was a terrible Willy Wonka. I.... agree! As do I. He is one scary guy. I have a question: if we are all God's children, but Jesus is God's only begotten son, what does that make the entire Christian male population?
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Post by stormwarden on Jan 20, 2011 3:02:37 GMT -5
SmurfettePrincipal: Bastard Children, that is what
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