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Post by stormwarden on Nov 22, 2010 22:49:04 GMT -5
The point: Pick a topic typical in a religion, any topic, and make a funny blasphemy about it.
Example:
My friends, it is an undeniable fact: God loves Atheists. That is right, my friends. God. Loves. Atheists. You know, the people who don't believe in him in the first place. Now, for those fundamentalists who have been taught differently, allow me to explain.
First and foremost, when atheists have a problem, they don't run crying and screaming to the almighty God to solve it. No, they roll up their sleeves and do it themselves. For example, if they need something, they will go get it. At the very least, if their sports team is in the dumps, they won't pray to God to help their team win, a la "Angels in the Backfield." After all, God has better things to do than worry about you or your sports team.
More importantly, atheists are unlikely to kill anyone over some strip of hostile desert land or another. They will just find a better place to live, preferably without so many bullets and bombs flying about. By the same token, God finds it quite nice that they won't kill over who's side he is on. It gets rather difficult to maintain a healthy number of believers when they are too busy trying to kill each other on some biblical technicality or another.
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Post by wolfgangravenna on Nov 25, 2010 14:03:19 GMT -5
Easy.
Jonathan and David. They were extremely gay for each other. I can understand wanting to help David because God favoured him. I mean, if you can prove that God actively exists, why wouldn't you? But no where does it say in the "Help God's Chosen Yes-sayer" it say you can kiss him, cry when he leaves, etc.
Also, Jesus went on a fishing boat with 12 men for a very long period of time. It's not that he could have been actively gay (for we all know that Mary Magdalen was, in fact, his wife, thank you very much Council of Nicea), but it's apparent that that amount of time on a fishing boat would cause want for...entertainment. I mean, you're founding a new religion, and now would be the time to experiment.
Just saying
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Post by davedan on Nov 25, 2010 16:46:25 GMT -5
God is omniscient. In fact isn't God everywhere? What a fucking pervert. Watching everyone ever having sex. You like to watch me don't you God? Yeah you like it when i do it like that huh? Give me the slow clap big guy...
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Post by katsuro on Nov 26, 2010 5:38:41 GMT -5
Easy. Jonathan and David. They were extremely gay for each other. But that's just a fact - it doesn't count as blasphemy if the Bible says it's true Donatello certainly seemed to think David was gay. Ever seen that statue in person? It's really, really gay lol.
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Post by lordy on Nov 26, 2010 5:58:15 GMT -5
Okay, so Mary, does anyone else think she was the village bike? I mean dont get me wrong, respect to the the women for thinking up this one, she blantantly cheats on Joseph, gets herself knocked up and panics.
So shes thinking to herself, how the fuck am I going to get out of this one? I know I'll just tell him it's God's baby, yeah, that'll work. So she spins this whole tale about being visited by an angel or some shit and says to Joesph "I swear there was no one else, its an immaculate conception, you know I only have eyes for you baby."
Joseph obviously being a weak willed sap totally buys into this and yep, here we are 2000 years later still celebratng then birth of Mary's bastard child as the son of God.
You've got to give it to her, best way to get out of cheating EVER!
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Post by Napoleon the Clown on Nov 26, 2010 16:26:58 GMT -5
Didn't you know, Lordy? God knocked her up. I'm curious as to whether she consented or not.
That made something occur to me. God of the OT is angry, wrathful, etc. In the NT he's a lot nicer. If he knocked up Mary, maybe his problem was he had a serious case of blue balls and getting laid calmed him down.
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Dan
Full Member
Posts: 228
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Post by Dan on Nov 27, 2010 3:49:08 GMT -5
That gives me an idea for next time the JWs come calling:
1. All humans are God's children 2. The Virgin Mary was human 3. Therefore Mary was a child of God 4. God got Mary pregnant 5. Therefore....
Well, draw your own conclusions.
I'm sure the JWs won't be impressed by this work of logic, but it would still be fun watching them argue their way out of it.
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Post by wolfgangravenna on Nov 28, 2010 20:14:33 GMT -5
You, sir, are my new best friend.
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Post by Art Vandelay on Nov 28, 2010 22:24:13 GMT -5
I suck...
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Post by Haseen on Nov 30, 2010 6:27:59 GMT -5
If you really want to make God happy, be a bad dad. The whole thing with Abraham was about getting him to kill his son for no apparent reason. Then God was like OMG, you were actually gonna do it! That's awesome! I love horrible dads! I can guarantee there was a really awkward conversation between Abraham and his son. "What. The. Fuck. Was. That?"
Then, God himself set up Jesus for failure when he didn't need to. I mean, he's friggin GOD, he could have done the whole forgiving thing without putting his kid through, well, dying. It's just like Abraham, but he actually followed through. And then there's the whole Jesus = God thing that brings the bad-dadness to a whole 'nother level because it's sorta killing himself. Except it was just some sort of avatar of himself that doesn't really count because it just came back...
Who can forget Lot. The one person in the entire city that God considers a cool guy. Gets drunk with his daughters and fucks them. Both. Most dads are super protective of their daughter's virginity. There's the whole stereotype of the protective dad threatening the horny boyfriend with a shotgun. But Lot himself acts as the horny boyfriend and fucks their brains out. God was probably watching. And fapping.
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Post by lordy on Nov 30, 2010 7:03:10 GMT -5
Didn't you know, Lordy? God knocked her up. I'm curious as to whether she consented or not. That made something occur to me. God of the OT is angry, wrathful, etc. In the NT he's a lot nicer. If he knocked up Mary, maybe his problem was he had a serious case of blue balls and getting laid calmed him down. If it really was God that knocked her up, I'll bet she had her clothes off and her legs in the air before God had finshed asking, "So Mary wanna shag?", she was a total cum bucket!
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Post by wolfgangravenna on Dec 9, 2010 19:58:37 GMT -5
It may just be racially insensitive, but does anyone want to make a prono called "The Salty Sultan" staring Mohammad?
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Post by Aqualung on Dec 10, 2010 16:56:15 GMT -5
God, stop being a fucking asshole!
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Post by davedan on Dec 11, 2010 2:42:36 GMT -5
If you really want to make God happy, be a bad dad. The whole thing with Abraham was about getting him to kill his son for no apparent reason. Then God was like OMG, you were actually gonna do it! That's awesome! I love horrible dads! I can guarantee there was a really awkward conversation between Abraham and his son. "What. The. Fuck. Was. That?" Then, God himself set up Jesus for failure when he didn't need to. I mean, he's friggin GOD, he could have done the whole forgiving thing without putting his kid through, well, dying. It's just like Abraham, but he actually followed through. And then there's the whole Jesus = God thing that brings the bad-dadness to a whole 'nother level because it's sorta killing himself. Except it was just some sort of avatar of himself that doesn't really count because it just came back... Who can forget Lot. The one person in the entire city that God considers a cool guy. Gets drunk with his daughters and fucks them. Both. Most dads are super protective of their daughter's virginity. There's the whole stereotype of the protective dad threatening the horny boyfriend with a shotgun. But Lot himself acts as the horny boyfriend and fucks their brains out. God was probably watching. And fapping. That's so true, particularly about Lot, who remember offered his daughters to the mob so that they could fuck them rather than the angels who were visiting him
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Post by Smurfette Principle on Dec 11, 2010 19:57:59 GMT -5
Anyone feel bad for Lot's wife? So here she is, running from a town being smote with fire and brimstone, screams of the dying echoing across the desert plains, and all she's told is to not look back? That's sort of callous. "Don't look back at your friends and neighbors as they writhe in agony, honey!"
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