Story: Searching for the Quietude

[katkid]

So c'n I post me works 'ere?
The first chapter may leave strange thoughts in your head, particularly the end of the chapter.

My comments before you actually read it:
I quite like Eila. And do tell me if you like it, because only then will I post more on this board. Also, since this is a work in progress, a few ideas here an' there would be wonderful, an' I may actually get 'round to using them.

Searching for the Quietude (Workin' Title)

Chapter 1: The Monster, the Student and the Cat Girl


"What the hell does this word mean?" Larkeye asked as he looked over Resenkai's shoulder, his mouth full of meat. Raw, bloody, uncooked meat, that is.
Resenkai removed her glasses and wiped the elliptical frames slowly, "'Profanity'?" she asked, turning to look at Larkeye, who was getting blood all over her baggy indigo cloak.
"Fuck yeah," the man spat out as Resenkai slammed the dictionary shut.
Resenkai gracefully replaced her glasses, magnifying her green eyes to at least twice their size. She smiled and lifted a finger in the air as she began to recite the definition.
"Profanity. A noun. Meaning profane language or behaviour, as in, language or behaviour that shows disrespect for God, and religion or any deity. Profanity also refers to any profane word or phrase; any word that shows disrespect for God, and religion or any deity," she inhaled slowly once done.
Larkeye clapped slowly. "I didn't get any of that bloody definition of yours."
Resenkai got up and walked towards the exit. "Well, that's what the book says, anyway," she said, ignoring him.
"You're leaving?"
"I've got to go see someone."
"All right then. Take care."
Resenkai nodded as she opened the door and slammed it shut after leaving. The library was silent.
Except for the growling in Larkeye's stomach.
"Damn, I need to find a burger or somethin'."

Shades of yellow, orange, red and pink painted the sky as Resenkai strolled down the busy Terrhemyr Road. She smelled the bread being baked in bakeries nearby, and the aromatic and strong fragrance that wafted down from local coffee shop, The Beautiful Brew. The footsteps of many took over the cobblestone road, and then she felt a hand on each shoulder.
"Ressy!" a female with shoulder length bright red hair squealed. A wide grin was on her face, and her black collar's bell shook wildly.
Resenkai adjusted her spectacles, "I was looking for you, Eila!" her light English accent exhibiting care and happiness.
Eila meowed as Resenkai looked at her white cat ears.
"Take these off already, will you?" Ressy commented.
"Aw, no..."
Resenkai sighed and attached a black leash to Eila's matching collar. "You look strange..."
"I like how I look!" Eila retorted, temporarily getting down on all fours.
Resenkai wasn't in the mood to argue. "All right...I suppose I'll just have to be like all the others and accept you for who you are."
Eila purred and stood up, letting Resenkai yank her down the road as locals turned to look.
The two continued down the road when Eila began.
"You've managed to leave Dencas' passing behind?"
Resenkai stopped. Eila put a finger in Ressy's sky blue hair and meowed softly.
"Not exactly."
The two continued walking. People began heading into their homes and crickets chirped softly, only for a moment, then all fell silent. The whole town seemed to have died, minus Resenkai and Eila.
"So then...," Eila began softly, trying to maintain the quietude.
"...Yes?"


End of Chapter 1. Y'ere all me b***hes now, hehe.

Do tell me if y'like it, me loves.

[katkid]

I've got the short second chapter right 'ere.

Chapter 2: It Has Awakened

“Get me two hamburgers!” Larkeye called, his red eyes glistening. He held a book and a sack in his pale, bony hands.
A waiter came up to Larkeye, the man’s burgers in a silver plate.
“You’ve been eating raw meat again, sir?” the waiter began, shooting a blue eyed wink from behind the pitch black hair that fell over his eyes.
Larkeye frowned. “He’s awakening.”
“Isn’t four-eyes going to help you?”
“Resenkai? She’s been trying. Or so she says.”
The waiter patted Larkeye on the back. “You’ve changed so much because of him.”
“In a good way or a bad way?”
The waiter didn’t reply. He frowned at Larkeye, looking at the man’s bony body and ghostly pale skin.
“In a bad way, right?” Larkeye asked.
“I just hope you get fixed somehow, friend. I’ve got another order to attend to, so…”
“Yeah, you should go,” and with that, Larkeye slumped and looked at the burgers that the waiter had brought him.

“You must be unsettled inside, right?” Eila continued softly, pulling her fingers out of Resenkai’s hair.
“’Course I am, what did you think?” Resenkai’s voice rose and Eila backed away slightly.
“You want revenge, Ressy?” Eila began licking her fingers and arms.
“Please stop that, it’s disgusting,” Ressy turned away and began to walk down the path that would eventually lead her home.
Eila finished with her right arm and meowed. “You wouldn’t leave a kitty out in the middle of nowhere at night, now would you, Ressy?”
“I would!” Ressy called as she continued further down the path.
Eila groaned and crawled into an alley. Her white dress was filthy, and her leash had been left behind somewhere.
“She didn’t even answer my question,” she muttered to herself as she drifted into sleep.

Resenkai stopped in front of her small, modest living quarters and heaved a sigh, smiling slightly. She adjusted her glasses and headed inside.

End of Chapter 2. Bow down to me or die.

[Mlle Antéchrist]

Since you asked for criticism.

1) Your story lacks a proper exposition. As it stands, it's too short and abrupt to draw the reader in -- we need more than just a few random events and brief mentions of the main characters if we're going to be invested in these people and the events they experience. It would be enormously beneficial if you put more detail into your descriptions of the people, places and things involved. Who are these people? Why should we care about them? Where is this all taking place? We're not even told that first scene is set in a library until it finishes.

2) There are a few contradicting descriptions. For example, there's this line:

"Well, that's what the book says, anyway," she said, ignoring him.

She isn't ignoring him, she's choosing not to acknowledge his sarcasm. While the reader may be able to understand what you really meant, it's still very distracting.

3) There are a number of punctuation and grammar issues. Here's an example:

“Please stop that, it’s disgusting,” Ressy turned away and began to walk down the path that would eventually lead her home.

That should read:

"Please stop that, it's disgusting." Ressy turned away and began to walk down the path that would eventually lead her home.

or

"Please stop that, it's disgusting," Ressy said, turning away and beginning to walk down the path that would eventually lead her home.

Dialogue should only end with a comma if the text that follows is part of the same sentence. Likewise for sentences preceding dialogue.

4) The events are confusing. Ending a chapter with an unexplained event is fine, but not without some kind of build-up to it. In the first chapter, we only have a group of friends chatting, then suddenly, a girl being walked on a leash. You're making the audience go, "What the fuck?", and not in a good way.

5) On a related note: As a rule of thumb, each chapter should centre around a stage in the story, relating an important event in the plot and/or a vignette of some kind. Of course, artistic license allows you to occasionally veer away from this rule, but only when it benefits the story. As it stands, the chapter splits feel kind of arbitrary due to the aforementioned abruptness and lack of focus. In addition to plotting out the story in its entirety, it might help if you did the same with each individual chapter.

I'm not trying to be mean here, so please don't take this as an attack. I simply wanted to offer some constructive criticism, as this story isn't anywhere near ready for mass consumption. I strongly recommend finding a beta reader to help you develop it into the finished product.

[Admiral Lithp]

I had no problem being mean.

[katkid]

Sept 5, 2011 3:54:36 GMT -5 Mlle Antéchrist said:

Since you asked for criticism.

1) Your story lacks a proper exposition. As it stands, it's too short and abrupt to draw the reader in -- we need more than just a few random events and brief mentions of the main characters if we're going to be invested in these people and the events they experience. It would be enormously beneficial if you put more detail into your descriptions of the people, places and things involved. Who are these people? Why should we care about them? Where is this all taking place? We're not even told that first scene is set in a library until it finishes.

2) There are a few contradicting descriptions. For example, there's this line:

"Well, that's what the book says, anyway," she said, ignoring him.

She isn't ignoring him, she's choosing not to acknowledge his sarcasm. While the reader may be able to understand what you really meant, it's still very distracting.

3) There are a number of punctuation and grammar issues. Here's an example:



That should read:



or

"Please stop that, it's disgusting," Ressy said, turning away and beginning to walk down the path that would eventually lead her home.

Dialogue should only end with a comma if the text that follows is part of the same sentence. Likewise for sentences preceding dialogue.

4) The events are confusing. Ending a chapter with an unexplained event is fine, but not without some kind of build-up to it. In the first chapter, we only have a group of friends chatting, then suddenly, a girl being walked on a leash. You're making the audience go, "What the fuck?", and not in a good way.

5) On a related note: As a rule of thumb, each chapter should centre around a stage in the story, relating an important event in the plot and/or a vignette of some kind. Of course, artistic license allows you to occasionally veer away from this rule, but only when it benefits the story. As it stands, the chapter splits feel kind of arbitrary due to the aforementioned abruptness and lack of focus. In addition to plotting out the story in its entirety, it might help if you did the same with each individual chapter.

I'm not trying to be mean here, so please don't take this as an attack. I simply wanted to offer some constructive criticism, as this story isn't anywhere near ready for mass consumption. I strongly recommend finding a beta reader to help you develop it into the finished product.

Thank you. I really mean it. The spelling mistakes and such...I was actually looking over it again last night, and have fixed in the original copy. Everything else...I'm grateful for all that.

Admiral Lithp: You're always mean to me.

[katkid]

Okay, concerning that other thread...
I don't want to take this thread off-topic, but I will just post here about it.
I did leave, but thought I might as well return. Also, now that school's started, I don't have much time, so I won't be online every day.
Thanks to many of you and Jodie for dousing me with cold water and getting me over my year long writing depression.
So when I return to this board, I'll amaze you with my work. I hope. Bye for now, though. Busy with a lot of stuff.

[Jodie]

[sings]
The kat came back the very next day.
The kat came back. We thought she was a gonner,
But the cat came back. She just couldn't stay awaaaay.

[Art Vandelay]

To be honest it didn't do much for me.

I'm more of a Pratchett kinda guy.

[katkid]

It was more than a day. *sigh*

Also, nobody wants this story fixed up, right?

[Admiral Lithp]

That would imply it has potential.

[davedan]

Or that fixing it up was possible.