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Post by sidburn on Oct 17, 2011 12:26:40 GMT -5
Since it's Halloween season, it might be fun to come up with some of these.
- If you see a crucifix mounted upside down on a wall, slowly back away and run in the opposite direction
- There's no such thing as a rescue party, only a second wave of victims
- The monster is never dead until everyone else is
- If you're black, blonde, big-breasted, a jock, a jerkass, the class clown, or gay, YOU WILL DIE
- Avoid the state of Maine altogether
- Never tempt fate by saying anything like, "I'll be right back" or "Things couldn't possibly get any worse"
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Post by Art Vandelay on Oct 17, 2011 12:47:14 GMT -5
-If you manage to seemingly kill the villain once, chances are you haven't finished the job properly. Be sure to turn the head into pinkish/red paste, it's the only way to be sure.
-Always try to get yourself in a position where you're the only one who has a chance of destroying whatever it is that's causing trouble. It's the only way to be certain you'll survive.
-Never try to deal with problems in the most logical manner possible, as carefully thought out plans always result in death. Instead, get as emotionally invested as possible and do the first thing that pops into your head. For best results, ensure a loved one's life is at stake (offspring are ideal).
-When your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, do not seek help from the locals. I cannot emphasise this enough.
-Always find a significant other. They'll perform a similar service to a canary in a mine.
-If you are a college graduate who's struggling to make it as an investigative journalist or reporter or some such, consider a career change. Though you'd likely survive, the whole experience will cause some rather nasty and permanent changes to your quality of life.
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Post by Random Guy on Oct 17, 2011 13:23:59 GMT -5
Do not sneak away to make out with your significant other. You will die. Also, the more illicit the sex, the more likely (and more gruesome) death becomes.
If you are a police officer patrolling the street at night, do NOT investigate any mysterious noise you hear from the nearby junkyard. If you do make this mistake, don't empty your gun into the creepy thing and then stare at it like an idiot. RUN.
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Post by Admiral Lithp on Oct 17, 2011 13:26:29 GMT -5
If you're female, be as androgynous as possible.
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Post by Vypernight on Oct 17, 2011 13:30:15 GMT -5
-Horizontal movement = survival; Vertical movement = death.
-If you are being chased (on foot or in a vehicle) by the monster, no matter how much your sibling, friend, sig other annoys/p***es you off, do NOT slow down. You can argue later when/if you're safe (Jeepers Creepers).
-Never read anything out loud unless it's A)a recipe for bubble gum, B)instructions for playing Candy Land, or C) a William Blake Poem. Everything else will summon someone/thing to rip you to shreds and swallow your soul +/- tarter sauce.
-If someone is researching the cure for anything but chronic hicccups, and he/she is using anything from humans to guppies, gun the person down immediately!
-Never tell the cop the monster is chasing you; tell him instead you saw his wife with the school janitor (in the same area). At the least, his death will buy you time).
-If you're faster than the monster, then for the love of Thor, RUN like your backside is on fire, and make sure objects are between you! Do NOT pause to look back unless you have run for a while, and if you do, put your back to a solid wall (that the monster cannot break through).
-If it looks or sounds like it's from a Lovecraft story, STAY AWAY from it! There's a reason he's seldom banned from anywhere; even the moral guardians are #%#@%^@ terrified of him.
-If someone frantically screams for you to avoid a building, vehicle, body of water, or even person, do so.
-If you're in school, avoid all events, make zero friends, but be nice to everyone. Make no attempt to stand out whatsoever.
-If you just barely survived a disaster, shoot anyone attempting to say that you're lucky because you'll be dead by the time they get to the "L" word.
-And not THAT L word. That train of thought will get you ripped to pieces even faster!
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Post by Thejebusfire on Oct 17, 2011 14:33:16 GMT -5
-If your a woman, strip off your clothes and run around the haunted house naked.
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Post by Sleepy on Oct 17, 2011 14:36:36 GMT -5
-For the love of fuck, do NOT go upstairs.
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Post by Deimos on Oct 17, 2011 14:49:44 GMT -5
If your friend gets captured, this leaves you with 2 options. Go back in a rush to save him and get killed, it you can take your time to prepare with weapons and traps and whatnot and save your friend in a glorious dramatic ending
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Post by Admiral Lithp on Oct 17, 2011 14:56:22 GMT -5
Make sure there is NO light. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the second that a flashlight, match, light bulb, etc. is turned on, something will be JUST behind you, & you'll die. Stick to one extreme or the other.
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Post by andi on Oct 17, 2011 17:36:07 GMT -5
- If you somehow get lost from your group of buddies, for fucks sake, don't call out for them as loud as you can.
- If you're a scientist, don't keep the gruesome monster alive just so you can study it.
- Authorities will never listen. Go to the crazy guys instead, he'll believe you. And if you are lucky, you might even get a piece of advise.
- If you get a chance to escape, run like hell. Don't be an idiot and try to kill of the bad guy, he'll just come right back on part 2.
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Post by Art Vandelay on Oct 17, 2011 17:57:52 GMT -5
Do not be a rapist/child molester, lest you be subject to a torturous and rather cathartic death.
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Post by RavynousHunter on Oct 17, 2011 18:28:04 GMT -5
Do NOT be a stereotype.
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Post by Admiral Lithp on Oct 17, 2011 18:32:48 GMT -5
Do not try to subvert the stereotype--it will not work.
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Khris
Full Member
Looks older than they are
Posts: 225
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Post by Khris on Oct 17, 2011 19:07:55 GMT -5
In the off chance there are zombies go to your local bar/pub grab a Winchester riffle or any mounted gun off a wall and have the Queen song Don't Stop Me Now on an ever constant loop.
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Post by Sleepy on Oct 17, 2011 20:26:14 GMT -5
If you're running from someone, don't get in a car. Either it won't start, or that someone will be in the back seat waiting for you.
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