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Post by Angel on Jun 26, 2009 3:33:45 GMT -5
This is a bit of a pity thread, but I need to vent.
Some of you may know that a very close friend of mine died back in February. Well the thing is, it still gets me, every day. I miss her. And knowing what happened, it’s just like carrying a weight inside all the time. Everyone seems to assume that I’m over it already, but I’m not.
And then there’s the bit of me that says, if you’d called her that weekend, she could’ve been found sooner, and she’d still be alive. Even though, logically if I’d called and not got through I’d’ve probably just shrugged my shoulders and tried again later, and nothing would have been different. But still, it kills me that she’d been in a coma for more than 2 days before anyone found her.
I’ve never lost anyone that young and that close to me before. I’ve lost grandparents, etc. but nothing like this. It’s been four and half months already. How long does something like this take to heal?
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Post by Trillian on Jun 26, 2009 3:46:13 GMT -5
I will give you my personal experience, cos that's all I have!
I lost my brother to a fatal motor bike accident almost 9 years ago, and I still grieve over it.
The honest answer is that you never "get over" it. The pain will always be with you. Allow yourself to feel it when it comes and cry. I cry still - not as often any more, but it still comes.
As for the second guessing over what more you could have done, this simple answer is that you just have to stop it. Whenever those thoughts enter your mind, change your mind subject - think about your dream holiday or winning the lottery or whatever, as long as it is something else.
I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. Losing someone when their 'time' shouldn't be up is very difficult. My heart truly goes out to you.
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Post by Admiral Lithp on Jun 26, 2009 4:28:55 GMT -5
It's practically seen as taboo to grieve. People are just expected to get on with their life, to do what needs to be done in society. But, the truth is, while you won't think about it as often, feelings like that will never go away, & it does take significantly longer than mainstream society expects it to. If this thought is depressing to you, just think of it this way: Grief shows that you care about a person. So, you wouldn't want to just get over it, would you?
As to the circumstances of the death, situations like that are hard to deal with. With untimely deaths, there's always a "what could I have done?" factor. Just try to listen to the rational side of your mind. Your friend's death was not your fault, & if you could have done anything to prevent it, you would have.
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Post by Oriet on Jun 26, 2009 9:01:57 GMT -5
I'm also with the "it never really goes away" crowd. I lost my father a decade ago, and it still hits me from time to time. Also remember that it's just fine to cry. Hell, I wish I could cry more often, as it's a really good way of releasing emotions instead of keeping them bottled up.
And again, as others have said, stop second guessing with "what if"s. You did the most you could with what you knew.
(((((Angel)))))
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Post by m52nickerson on Jun 26, 2009 11:59:39 GMT -5
((((Angel))))
Everyone is right, the wound never really heals. It has been years since I lost my Grandparents and still find myself brought to tears if I think about it to hard.
It will get easier over time.
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Post by David D.G. on Jun 26, 2009 13:12:48 GMT -5
((((Angel))))
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. My late companion Marsha died nearly 5 years ago at the age of 43, and I was severely depressed and messed up for at least 6 months thereafter, and not really quite on an even keel for more than a full year. Now, even though I've started dating again, there is not a day that goes by that I don't still miss her. So you don't exactly "get over" something like this, but you do (eventually) learn to live with it as it loses its immediacy. For now, you just have to hang in there and take it a day at a time. Best of luck to you.
~David D.G.
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Post by wmdkitty on Jun 26, 2009 15:08:38 GMT -5
(((((Angel)))))
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Post by Angel on Jun 26, 2009 17:24:10 GMT -5
Thanks guys. I'll have a proper read of what you all wrote tomorrow; I don't do too well with emotions late at night.
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Post by skyfire on Jun 26, 2009 22:24:29 GMT -5
It's practically seen as taboo to grieve. People are just expected to get on with their life, to do what needs to be done in society. But, the truth is, while you won't think about it as often, feelings like that will never go away, & it does take significantly longer than mainstream society expects it to. If this thought is depressing to you, just think of it this way: Grief shows that you care about a person. So, you wouldn't want to just get over it, would you? That's about what happened with me. Last November, a friend of mine was killed in a tragic accident. He had recently purchased a shotgun so that he could go hunting since someone had convinced him that it'd be cheaper to bag his own meat. He had a misfire while practicing earlier that day, and his inexperience meant that he didn't know what had happened; most likely, he figured that he was out of ammo. Later that evening, something happened that caused the gun to drop. It discharged, firing both the misfired round and another round that was chambered behind it. He died instantly. As with your case, he was dead for about 2 days before anyone found him; another friend and I were supposed to have gone over to his house that evening, but we both had stuff happen to keep us from it (I fell asleep after a massively exhausting week, and the other friend got called into work). As it was so close to Thanksgiving when it happened, everything kinda went to hell. Everyone else was so torn apart by what happened - especially since the police department's initial report mistakenly listed it as a "suicide" - that I had to forcibly render myself numb to the entire world (via a week-long sugar rush / endorphin high) as they all needed someone to lean on and I had too much stuff already going to slow down. His girlfriend was so distraught that I practically had to carry her out of the funeral service since she could barely stand on her own. To add insult to injury, the battery on my car died the night before the funeral. It was 60 o F outside that day, and yet I ended up having to walk back home once it was all over. I had all of four hours to pull myself back together before one of my brothers came down with his family for the holiday. And everyone else decided to celebrate my birthday early - the very next day - because everybody was going to be running in different directions that day (my birthday is always the week of Thanksgiving). I moved right from Thanksgiving to some obligations at church (there was to be a big event, yet the person normally in charge of setting up the video equipment had just undergone surgery and I'd volunteered to fill in before all this happened) to my final exams to a new job. By the time the new year rolled around, even though I was putting on a front for the sake of everyone else I was a shambling wreck inside. It's been almost 8 months now, yet I'm still trying to cope with everything I had to endure.
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Post by wmdkitty on Jun 26, 2009 22:32:00 GMT -5
Skyfire, shut up.
Nobody believes a word you say.
You're not helping.
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Post by Admiral Lithp on Jun 26, 2009 22:37:46 GMT -5
Skyfire, shut up. Nobody believes a word you say. I don't think this is the time or the place to start a flame war with Skyfire.
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Post by Oriet on Jun 26, 2009 22:39:50 GMT -5
Later that evening, something happened that caused the gun to drop. It discharged, firing both the misfired round and another round that was chambered behind it. Not meaning to needlessly nitpick, or really derail the thread, but how the hell could that have happened? I'll admit I only know so much about guns, but I don't know of any gun on the market, even in the last century, that has a loading and firing mechanism that could possibly allow that to happen (especially without causing the gun to explode from much greater force than it's designed to handle). I mean, perhaps a double barrelled shotgun, but then the other shell would be in the barrel beside the misfired round, not behind it. Do you know the model and manufacturer of the shotgun? If it does have a loading and firing mechanism that works by placing rounds behind each other in the barrel I'd love to see how that works. Again, I'm not trying to rip you over this, I'm just confused as to how it's even possible.
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Post by ironbite on Jun 26, 2009 22:40:36 GMT -5
Yeah...that's kinda out of line there WMDkitty.
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Post by wmdkitty on Jun 26, 2009 23:48:28 GMT -5
That little fish tale he told there, yeah, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about guns, but I'm reasonably sure -- now, I could be wrong, here -- but I'm *reasonably* sure it's next to impossible for that to happen. I'm going to need first and last name, SSN, date of death, and an obituary from the newspaper before I'll believe it, considering the source.
ETA: Above post edited for general surliness.
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Post by Dragon Zachski on Jun 26, 2009 23:55:04 GMT -5
Can we please not have an argument? It's disrespectful to the OP.
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