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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 11, 2009 21:17:40 GMT -5
It's kinda weird, to me, how many of us can trace it back to the age of 11ish, 12ish...fascinating.
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Post by Hades on Aug 11, 2009 21:37:53 GMT -5
I've had it about 10-12 years. I coped with it in my late teens by becoming addicted to sleeping pills to the point of becoming ill. I just wanted to be asleep as much as possible. Since then I've just secluded myself as much as I can, letting music, drawing, or games suck me out of the real world for awhile. I still haven't learned to properly deal with it. If I let go of something to lose myself in, I quickly find something else. I figure as long as I'm not hurting myself or anyone else it's no big deal. I'm probably far from right on that, but it's how I feel for now. I noticed this about myself a long time ago and it's been the main reason why I've never tried drugs and I shy away from alcohol. I'm too afraid that I'd come to rely on one of those to cope. Especially after my bout with sleeping pills. Harmless is how I roll now.
You're not alone. Sorry I can't give any helpful tips. Aside from talking about it. Talking helps. Especially with people who understand. That's why I love this forum.
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Post by darthtoxic on Aug 11, 2009 23:37:52 GMT -5
I've been diagnosed with it since I was 14 or 15. I struggled pretty badly with it on a constant basis (even have a suicide attempt under my belt) until several months ago, when I met my wonderful now-girlfriend. I still have some bad times with it, but they're not as often anymore, and it's been a good while since I actually felt suicidal (which, at one point, was literally an unending feeling.)
I tried self-medicating with pain pills, and it actually worked for a while, but certain aspects of it which I currently do not wish to discuss became too much to deal with - basically, too damn much baggage - and I was forced to quit anyway when I was outed as a druggie.
I've gone through several different meds and therapists and now I think I've finally got the right combination.
(((everyone in here who has gone through the hell of depression)))
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Post by tiado on Aug 12, 2009 0:19:14 GMT -5
Sandman,
You're not the only one who suffers from depression, I have depression and I'm currently in a depressive state right now. This time my depressive state has been caused by emotional exhaustion from having family being a big downer on me, and having to deal with a friend who's talking about suicide. So I have been quite emotionally drained this week already, and it's not even wednesday yet. When I get this way, I feel like just isolating myself from the world and practice my drawing and art in hopes of becoming any good.
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Post by Napoleon the Clown on Aug 12, 2009 4:22:23 GMT -5
Dude, I'm fucking bipolar. I get depression and its evil opposite, mania. Neither one is fun and both of them fuck with your quality of life. I feel for ya. Big time.
The best thing to do is get support from others and to do HEALTHY things to keep your mind off things. Which can be hard as hell. It'll get better. And, if it becomes necessary, there is medication to help keep your brain chemicals in some semblance of working order. If I didn't have medication, I'd be really fucked up right now. If I were even alive, that is.
It'll get better. You've got people who care about you. From what I can see, a lot of them. As you feel like you can, talk to the people who care about you. It helps, even if they just listen and provide you with sympathy or a shoulder to cry on, if it comes down to that.
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Post by RavynousHunter on Aug 12, 2009 5:37:39 GMT -5
I, too, am clinically depressed. Not that you could tell by my posts. I control it fairly well with sheer will, although I have been known to break down for no fucking reason, but they go away...mostly because I force them away with another, more powerful emotion, usually rage.
I grieve alone, though (as in by myself), because...well...its just something I feel is best gotten over by oneself. Of course, even when depressed, I'm still a rather considerate person, and prefer not to burden someone else with my emotional bullshit. I've been on the receiving end of that kind of shit far too many times, myself. I know how bad it can get, and just how angering it can be if someone does it on a regular basis.
Shit, I'll just fucking TELL you. Mostly because I feel like it, and also because I now need to vent my spleen.
There was this girl in high school, we'll just call her "Jill," because, as much as I despised her in school, I'd still never expose her to the possibility of any kind of ridicule, be they as a direct result of my actions or not; she's fucked up as it is. Well, more to the point, she was 2 years behind me, and was rather ... plain, I guess is the word I'm looking for. I never thought of her as anything remarkable or remotely interesting for a long time, mostly because we didn't have many times where we could've talked for any length. Well, she found out about me through one of my other friends (whom I place no blame upon for causing this), and started to take an interest in me. This would've been fine, had she not been one of those stereotypical "huggy girls." Back then (and now, to a lesser extent), I absolutely abhorred being touched. At first, she kept her distance, which was fine by me. We actually managed to talk about a few things here and there when I wasn't off in La-La Land.
Well, starting my senior year, she had a string of bad boyfriends that dumped her for what amounted to cheap floozies. I felt sympathy for her (and still do), and gave her a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. This was all well and good as, by that time, we were friends and, as far as I knew, the first bad one was a one-time thing. Dear sweet God was I wrong. She became a fucking wreck after the second one. There were many times I noticed that she was gone for days in a row. She would often talk about her past love interests, an act that damn near brought her to tears each time.
Eventually, I became what amounted to her bloody psychiatrist, a job I would hate to have despite my grounding in psychiatry, both psychological and pharmaceutical. It became so bad that whenever I saw her, I was filled with that "God fucking damn it" feeling, and frequently tried my damndest to dodge her apparently rather sharp eye. Eventually she managed to get it through her thicko parents that she needed real help, a process I helped in, albeit somewhat indirectly as I never actually spoke to them myself. Of course, this would happen not two weeks before my graduation...god damn her parents. If they hadn't been so damned incompetent, they may have saved me many months worth of torture.
I still don't like being touched by people I don't know.
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Post by Redhunter on Aug 12, 2009 7:26:01 GMT -5
Since my first reaction was to respond with “Ditch depression by ditching religion”, I found your follow up post interesting. .
Sandman said:
I remember once day I was talking to a buddy about that ‘Footprints’ poem. He mockingly said that the single set of footprints was really indicative of when god walked off and let him to fend for himself when he needed it most, because according to this fellow, he never sees the hand of god when he is in trouble. But that assumes that we are actually ever seeing two sets of footprints and/or indications of the “hand of god” on a regular basis or when one is NOT in trouble to begin with. I don’t.
Since you’re coming to a group of oft-times neurotic, awkward, virginal AND perverted, heathen uber-nerds instead of relying on your church or your god or your “saviour” is very interesting and precisely the reason for my initial response. A giant part of your life is ultimately unwilling or unable to help you and at the very least you are hiding the truth from the very ones you are expected to turn to in times of crisis because you “can’t” talk to them about the very real and true things that are bothering you. To me that’s a bit like a police interceptor without an engine; what’s the bloody point of it? For show?
I too have been depressed (or something, never been diagnosed), for most of my life. I’ve wished for my own death and thought seriously about hurting or killing those who used to hurt me on a regular basis. Through horrible and disturbing art images (I have some much “worse” than what I’ve posted here) and brutally honest poetry I have chronicled my crippling anguish over the years in an effort to ‘chase away the demons’. Those things don’t “fix” how I feel, but I am comforted in finding the truth and the underlying causes at any rate.
But as has been pointed out, I don’t think it ever “goes away”. One can’t ‘unlearn’ what one has gone through, one can only cope with the horrors of ones own life the best one is able to. I got rid of a lot of things that were not doing my mental state any good. I took stock and ‘cleaned house’ of a lot of garbage and preferring to focus my limited time on this earth on the things that are most important to me.
This is what makes me happy.
Currently I am with someone who loves me more than anything else and who is happiest when she is making me happy. Combined with some grade-A smoke and the complete absence of arbitrary, un-scientific religious rules involving my penis and what I do with it has made me much happier than I’ve ever been in my life, and rest assured that comment contains not a jot nor a whittle of hyperbole; I’m genuinely the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Ever. Serious as a heart-attack, Jack.
Interestingly I was easily the most miserable I’ve ever been when I saw the utter lack of support, understanding and comfort my “faith” offered me. The absolute worst I’ve ever felt about myself was when I did little but put my hope in an invisible “god” who never showed. Nothing drives home depression like fruitlessly pleading with the one being who is supposed to know and care but who is an utter no-show. Anyway, that’s my take on your question based solely on my own personal experiences.
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Post by yojetak on Aug 12, 2009 9:46:58 GMT -5
You're not alone sandman! *hugs* Depression really is more common than you would think. About 30% of women are depressed, while the number is slightly lower for men. Almost my entire family suffers from some form of depression or depression disorder. Several cousins have bipolar disorder, but most have clinical depression, including me. I've been out of school for the past year and a half because it got so bad. I couldn't get out of bed. I first noticed my depression symptoms in 3rd grade, but it didn't come to light to my family and friends until I was a sophomore in high school. My parents are very supportive and I don't know where I would be without them. I hope you have someone you can lean on in your time of need. Words over the internet feel so empty when you know how horrible the other person is feeling. Depression is something I will have to struggle with my entire life, but luckily treatment has helped! I've had to change a lot of what I normally do, but a little inconvenience beats suicidal thoughts. Stuff that's helped me: 1. Found an awesome doctor. He's patient and understanding. You can truly feel his compassion. Other doctors I've went to didn't care or were slightly off. I could never feel comfortable opening up to them, therefore they couldn't diagnose me accurately. 2. Found the right meds. I can't tell you how many prescriptions I've had to go through to find the right ones. Some made me feel like I was in a bubble, others made me manic, and others just put me to sleep. With this script, I feel "normal." 3. Bought a light box. I noticed my depression gets worse in the winter. Apparently it's due to the lack of sunlight! Light boxes imitate the light you would get from the sun. I turn it on for 20 minutes in the morning right as I wake up. It helps me get up and moving for the day. This is the one I use. It's expensive because of all the clinical tests they have to do on them, but it was the best 150 bucks I've ever spent. 4. Exercise. Not only am I now in a routine which helps me stay motivated to get out of bed, but I also am getting back in shape! My doctors always told me how much exercise helps your mind, and I didn't believe them until I tried it. Half hour of cardio on the bike, and then half hour of weights. It's awesome. 5. Staying away from Alcohol. Or any depressant for that matter. Alcohol has the biggest effect on me, so when I do drink, I make sure it's only one beer max. I hate being drunk anyway. I had a huge depression spike after my 21st birthday. I was actually wanting to write a book about my experiences. I noticed other people benefit when they know that someone else truly understands. I donated a piece of art to my counseling center which was about my depression, and my therapist showed it to another teenager who was struggling with depression. She said he was in tears because he now knew that someone else was struggling with him. They made more progress that session than the whole year she had been seeing him. Anyways, that's what has work for me, but everyone is different. I hope that you find a way out of the dark hole that is depression. Keep us updated! <3 you! ps. To any fundie who's reading this, my depression and Christianity had a positive correlation. Meaning I was more depressed when I was a Christian than any other time in my life. When I realized I didn't believe anymore, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Screw your needless guilt.
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Post by devilschaplain2 on Aug 12, 2009 14:29:51 GMT -5
Perhaps this will cheer you up:
Couldn't help it--"Sandman", you know.....
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Post by the sandman on Aug 12, 2009 14:52:42 GMT -5
Well, Red, my problem with taking this to the curch is complex. As you probably know me well enough by now, it's no surprise to you that I am far from a conventional or dogmatic Christian. There are many, many aspects of the organized church-political that I find disagreeable and objectionable, from the seeming omnipresent misogeny to the subtle moral fascism.
It's not my religious beliefs I have no confidence in, it's the human beings involved in the church that I doubt. Seeking the assistance available to me through my place of business may well have negative effects on my employment. I've seen it happen. Teaching is one of the few professions where you can destroy your career merely by the appearence of wrong-doing or instability. Since I work for a parochial school, the church assistance abailable to me is directly connected to my place of employment, and I simply do not want those two aspects of my life in direct contact. People gossip. People talk. People, especially judgmental, self-righetous people (such as those the church-political has in abundance) take "steps" and "measures" to do what they believe is "right" regardless of reality. It's these people I don't trust, not the faith.
And while I understand where you are coming from, Red, and why you posted, you do come close to mocking what I believe in several places. You don't know my position on Jesus, or really any other aspects of Christianity, since I don't tend to openly discuss them here. Don't mistake my lack of confidence in the church-political to be lack of confidence in what I believe.
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Post by dantesvirgil on Aug 12, 2009 14:53:47 GMT -5
I know you had a bad experience with Paxil, but you really should consider maybe trying something else. My sister switched meds for years until she found the one that worked really well. It was a combination of things for her -- a supportive environment, having more outlets, losing some of the losers in her life, getting a therapist who actually helps, and finding the right meds. Medicine isn't the be all end all, but it is usually part of the puzzle. She said very similar things about Paxil, actually -- that it just made her not care. And sometimes, that was enough for the day, but at other times, it was as bad as the depression.
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Post by yojetak on Aug 12, 2009 16:07:15 GMT -5
Medicine isn't the be all end all, but it is usually part of the puzzle. Exactly. I found my meds just helped me kick start my recovery. Now it's just part of the maintenance.
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Post by dantesvirgil on Aug 12, 2009 18:06:12 GMT -5
And weirdly (or maybe not so much), my sister's meds are way more effective after all the other life stuff is in place, too. She used to go through a different med every 18 -- 24 months. It was like it would wear off, or something, and she'd have to switch to something else. But when other parts of her life got better, the medicine started working better too. I don't know why. Maybe her brain chemistry is a little different now or something, and it doesn't have to work as hard.
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Post by Oriet on Aug 12, 2009 19:22:32 GMT -5
You're definitely not alone. I'm yet another person who suffers from depression (it's actually one of the reasons I'm on disability), and I'll admit I'm still working on finding ways to fight it.
I second what others have been saying about medication. The different meds handle it in different ways, some drastically different than others, so just because one (or half a dozen) doesn't work doesn't mean another won't help. An yes, medication is only a part of it, giving that needed boost to get doing more things that help and to help keep the depression at bay.
I also focus on things of interest to keep my mind off the depression. Doesn't matter if what I focus on is irrelevant, silly, or even pointless, as long as it gives my mind something other than depressive thoughts to focus on. Games, books, crafts, or learning a new subject can be a good release. Or music, though I find that listening to darker, more depressive music helps my mood improve when that's the mood I'm in. Perhaps that's from then having a controlled outlet for the emotions instead of keeping them bottled or constantly fighting them, I don't know.
(((((Sandman)))))
I would also like to comment that that is an awesome religious view you have.
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Post by yojetak on Aug 12, 2009 19:34:11 GMT -5
(it's actually one of the reasons I'm on disability) You can get disability for having depression? How did you go about this? I'm interested since mine has left me unable to work.
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