Something awful this way comes...

[Jack Bauer]

Yeah, Jack Bauer does poetry - don't tell anyone!



The Ballad of Nathaniel Plithy

He placed the spyglass to his eye
And what wonders did he espy?
A sail upon the frothing foam?
No, the sea's too far from home!

A barge, perhaps, upon the river
No, Nathaniel doesn't really give a
Toss for vessels sailed or powered
For his nature's too far soured.

His neighbour's garden he doth peruse
With lust for later self abuse
In naked splendour there does lay
His neighbour's wife, we'll call her Fay.

Now Fay she is a buxom girl
With hair from armpits that does twirl
And twist its way across her chest
And thus from Nathaniel hid a breast.

He raged and ranted, swore and cursed
And hoped the heavens might ope and burst
He even got down to his knees
And prayed, dear God, a hint of breeze.

His rantings were to no avail
No puff of air did move a sail.
The hair stayed put upon her chest
She might as well have worn a vest!

Now Nathaniel loved to pull his pud
He swore it did him the world of good
But it twisted his face, its curse quite final
And made his features in form vaginal.

So hark you, youngster, hear my plea
Nathaniel's is not the way for thee
Become a judge or merchant banker
And not a useless c**t faced wanker.

[Old Viking]

I am best known for this:

A lady from Haiti
Whose past was quite shady,
Once went to bed with a parrot.

It was naughty, I know,
And both awkward and slow,
But it seems she had misplaced her carrot.

[Jack Bauer]

In order to truly plumb the depths, one has to turn to lymericks.

A current favourite lymerick of mine is Kent Hovind...

That YEC VIP Kent
To the penitentiary was sent
Where Molly and Bubba
Cried 'Hubba hubba!'
Until all the man juice was spent.

Kent now has a permanent frown
He winces when e'er he sits down
His ass is all bloody
From the attentions of Buddy
And Bozo the Acid Faced Clown.

Hovind, alone in the gloom
Prays for a nice single room
Where the air stays quite clean
And no-one is mean
And his assshole is saved from its doom.

[xotan]

The Sultana who reigns in Baroda
Has constructed the oddest pagoda.
She festooned the walls
Of its halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

OR

There was a young man of Begal
Who had a hexagonal ball;
And the cube of its weight,
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was ten time the square root of f*ck all.

OR (and finally)

There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a slip on his cutlass
Rendered him nutless,
And practic'lly useless on dates.

[xotan]

Perhaps something original is to be preferred


Nicholas and Alice


A small stone stands there
Alone in simple dignity.
Gold letters glister bright
On black, polished granite.

A peaceful place,
Overhung by pines –
Fit for remembrance,
And for a silent tear.

Here they await the Dawn
Of Eternity’s bright morn.
They hear no tread
Of footstep overhead,

Nor, in profoundest rest,
Do they mark above
Floral tokens
Laid in filial love.

Nicholas and Alice,
Names sacred to their sons,
Resting in serenity
Until Forever comes.

© ***** *****

20 February 2009.