Cleaning my email

[antichrist]

My email exploded today, so I'm cleaning it out. Here's some stuff I found.

www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting
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New Dog Breeds Recognized by AKC

The following new combination dog breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bull..... Oh, never mind

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TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA


1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 6% instead of approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the 'Anglo *#!%!'

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA


1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on 'Road to Avonlea.'
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding
Don't take life too seriously!
It's not permanent!

***************************************************************

An Alberta cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a member of parliament for the Canadian Government", says the
Cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog

[Art Vandelay]

The dog breed one made me lol rather hard.

[antichrist]

Dear Fellow Constituent:

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting
donations. The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you to go back
for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun
gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican
Senators.
The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice,
coins, and straws.

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view
the President's accomplishments.

The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush:

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and
medicine.'
'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but
that could change.'
'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word
is 'to be prepared'.'
'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic
pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'...George W.Bush to Sam Donaldson

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely,
Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

[Jack Bauer]

Why was a cowboy looking after sheep?

[antichrist]

May 7, 2009 5:32:38 GMT -5 Jack Bauer said:

Why was a cowboy looking after sheep?

Because nobody wants to be called a sheepboy.

[The Lazy One]

Sorry to kind of hijack your thread, but I got sent this one about a month ago:

#

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some ‘actual’ maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Sigmaleph]

I've heard the cowboy one before, government obviously replaced with the local one.

[antichrist]

Oh by all means hijack away. I enjoy these.

[antichrist]

WAYS TO KEEP YOUR SANITY!!!
1. sit in parked a car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars and see if they slow down
2. page yourself over the intercom. don't disguise your voice
3. everytime someone askes you to do something ask them if they want fries with that
4. put a paper bin on your desk and label it "in"
5. order a diet water whenever you go out to eat-- with a serious face
6. specify that your drive-through order is "to go"
7.skip rather than walk
8. dont use any punctuation
9. sing along at the opera
10. five days in advanced tell your friends you cant go to their party because you aren't in the mood
11. have your friends address you by your wrestling name,rock bottom
12. when money comes out of the cash machine scream "i won, i won!"
13.when leaving the zoo, start running toward your car in the parkinglot screaming "run for your lives, they're loose!"