Post by skyfire on Jul 1, 2009 22:39:28 GMT -5
Some of the main characters for the novella series I'm working on are FBI agents.
As such, I thought it funny to do an installment wherein they've been tapped as advisers to Hollywood in regards to an upcoming movie. ;D The humor would come from the three of them explaining just how badly Hollywood tends to mangle the hell out of anything police-wise owing to a general lack of research or the decision to have "cool" override everything.
characters -
#1.
Male agent, pushing 30. Graduated high school at 16, then went into college; enrolled in ROTC at 18. Served 4 years in the Army, during which he was assigned to both a psych warfare unit (his main MOS) and a commando unit; as part of the latter, he was a war hero but stepped on so many toes in the process that several politicians conspired to ruin his career. Has been in the FBI since. Holds an MBA. Trained in sword fighting and boxing in his youth, and is a marksman on par with the branch's best snipers; uses a captured Dragunov as his personal piece. A series of promotions have left him the top guy on his shift, reward for an immaculate career.
#2.
Female agent, early 20s. Grew so disgusted by her parents' constant status-seeking that she left home to become a police officer in a small town. Her determination and pistol marksmanship got her noticed by the FBI. Until recently, when the two got promoted, she was assigned to #1 as his partner / apprentice.
#3.
Male agent, late 20s. In a twist of fate, he was the first guy's second in command during their days as commandos. He retained his career, only to keep getting bounced around between duty stations as he was regarded as "untouchable." Spent a year in Customs after getting out, at which point the first guy pulled some strings and got him into the FBI Academy.
-----
Director: "Ever have a major criminal walk on a technicality?"
#1: "Actually, yes."
D: "Was it one of those tiny, insignificant, frustrating ones that you just go ape over?"
#1: "Actually, it was such a huge, glaring matter that the agent who caused it is no longer an agent."
D: "So what happened to the crook?"
#1: "He died before a new trial could be convened."
D: "So - who got him? Someone whacked him, right?"
#1: "Nope. Clogged arteries. He seemed to have had a thing for deep-fried peanut butter cups."
-----
D: "Ever have an agent go bad and get hooked on drugs?"
#1: "Unfortunately, we did indeed have a guy who used to work narcotics cases and ended up addicted to marijuana."
D: "What happened to him? Got caught up in a drug bust?"
#1: "Fell down the stairs."
D: "Wow. Did someone find out the truth and turn on him?"
#1: "No; he was so stoned that he forgot to tie his shoe laces."
-----
D: "So what's it like being a female agent?"
#2: "Not bad, really."
D: "No on-the-job harassment? No male agent who'd like to light up your life? No male agent whose life you'd like to light up?"
#2: "Harassment is dealt with pretty swiftly and certainly."
D: "Agency policy?"
#2: "That. And the fact that I'm a better shot with my pistol than half the agents at the branch here and they all know it."
-----
D: "So - the two of you were special forces?"
#3: "Yep."
D: "See any atrocities committed?"
#1: "Only by the bad guys."
D: "War crimes?"
#1: "Define 'war crimes.' Do you mean stuff that's inherently illegal, or stuff that some whiner in Washington thinks isn't playing nicely with people who are out to kill you?"
D: "Stuff that's inherently illegal."
#3: "So what - were you expecting us to have done entire villages?"
D: "Well... yeah. Let's face it: aren't you guys all just a shade or two off from Colonel Kurtz?"
#1: "Aren't you just a shade or two off from Uwe Boll?"
-----
(upon seeing that the agents did their marksmanship demonstration using "mundane" weapons like M-16s, pistols, and non-flashy bolt-action rifles)
D: "That's what a marksman might have to use? I thought sharpshooters and that were supposed to have the best gear. I mean, stuff that can drop a guy from across the city or leave big gaping holes."
#1. "The kind of stuff you're talking about is not only military-grade, it's also complete overkill. You're not firing from across the city; you're firing from across the parking lot."
#3. "And let's face it: an off-the-shelf M-16 can easily be pressed into service for that kind of work, as can the average bolt-action rifle... especially ones made for hunting work."
#1: "And, in fact, the Dragunov is indeed classed as a medium-range sniping weapon; the plan called for one to be issued to each squad of Soviet infantry during the Cold War for the sake of fire support, making them surprisingly common."
#2: "That's even assuming you'd need a rifle of any sort; odds are, you'll be in pistol range to begin with."
D: "So no bad guys getting vital organs turning into so much pulp?"
#1: "Killing is supposed to be a last resort anyway; it's only to happen when things go wrong and there's no other option."
D: "Can I at least utilize a really cool gun? Everyone will at least be expecting that."
#2: "I see someone hasn't kept up with the discussion."
#3: "I guess Hollywood really does rot a person's brain..."
As such, I thought it funny to do an installment wherein they've been tapped as advisers to Hollywood in regards to an upcoming movie. ;D The humor would come from the three of them explaining just how badly Hollywood tends to mangle the hell out of anything police-wise owing to a general lack of research or the decision to have "cool" override everything.
characters -
#1.
Male agent, pushing 30. Graduated high school at 16, then went into college; enrolled in ROTC at 18. Served 4 years in the Army, during which he was assigned to both a psych warfare unit (his main MOS) and a commando unit; as part of the latter, he was a war hero but stepped on so many toes in the process that several politicians conspired to ruin his career. Has been in the FBI since. Holds an MBA. Trained in sword fighting and boxing in his youth, and is a marksman on par with the branch's best snipers; uses a captured Dragunov as his personal piece. A series of promotions have left him the top guy on his shift, reward for an immaculate career.
#2.
Female agent, early 20s. Grew so disgusted by her parents' constant status-seeking that she left home to become a police officer in a small town. Her determination and pistol marksmanship got her noticed by the FBI. Until recently, when the two got promoted, she was assigned to #1 as his partner / apprentice.
#3.
Male agent, late 20s. In a twist of fate, he was the first guy's second in command during their days as commandos. He retained his career, only to keep getting bounced around between duty stations as he was regarded as "untouchable." Spent a year in Customs after getting out, at which point the first guy pulled some strings and got him into the FBI Academy.
-----
Director: "Ever have a major criminal walk on a technicality?"
#1: "Actually, yes."
D: "Was it one of those tiny, insignificant, frustrating ones that you just go ape over?"
#1: "Actually, it was such a huge, glaring matter that the agent who caused it is no longer an agent."
D: "So what happened to the crook?"
#1: "He died before a new trial could be convened."
D: "So - who got him? Someone whacked him, right?"
#1: "Nope. Clogged arteries. He seemed to have had a thing for deep-fried peanut butter cups."
-----
D: "Ever have an agent go bad and get hooked on drugs?"
#1: "Unfortunately, we did indeed have a guy who used to work narcotics cases and ended up addicted to marijuana."
D: "What happened to him? Got caught up in a drug bust?"
#1: "Fell down the stairs."
D: "Wow. Did someone find out the truth and turn on him?"
#1: "No; he was so stoned that he forgot to tie his shoe laces."
-----
D: "So what's it like being a female agent?"
#2: "Not bad, really."
D: "No on-the-job harassment? No male agent who'd like to light up your life? No male agent whose life you'd like to light up?"
#2: "Harassment is dealt with pretty swiftly and certainly."
D: "Agency policy?"
#2: "That. And the fact that I'm a better shot with my pistol than half the agents at the branch here and they all know it."
-----
D: "So - the two of you were special forces?"
#3: "Yep."
D: "See any atrocities committed?"
#1: "Only by the bad guys."
D: "War crimes?"
#1: "Define 'war crimes.' Do you mean stuff that's inherently illegal, or stuff that some whiner in Washington thinks isn't playing nicely with people who are out to kill you?"
D: "Stuff that's inherently illegal."
#3: "So what - were you expecting us to have done entire villages?"
D: "Well... yeah. Let's face it: aren't you guys all just a shade or two off from Colonel Kurtz?"
#1: "Aren't you just a shade or two off from Uwe Boll?"
-----
(upon seeing that the agents did their marksmanship demonstration using "mundane" weapons like M-16s, pistols, and non-flashy bolt-action rifles)
D: "That's what a marksman might have to use? I thought sharpshooters and that were supposed to have the best gear. I mean, stuff that can drop a guy from across the city or leave big gaping holes."
#1. "The kind of stuff you're talking about is not only military-grade, it's also complete overkill. You're not firing from across the city; you're firing from across the parking lot."
#3. "And let's face it: an off-the-shelf M-16 can easily be pressed into service for that kind of work, as can the average bolt-action rifle... especially ones made for hunting work."
#1: "And, in fact, the Dragunov is indeed classed as a medium-range sniping weapon; the plan called for one to be issued to each squad of Soviet infantry during the Cold War for the sake of fire support, making them surprisingly common."
#2: "That's even assuming you'd need a rifle of any sort; odds are, you'll be in pistol range to begin with."
D: "So no bad guys getting vital organs turning into so much pulp?"
#1: "Killing is supposed to be a last resort anyway; it's only to happen when things go wrong and there's no other option."
D: "Can I at least utilize a really cool gun? Everyone will at least be expecting that."
#2: "I see someone hasn't kept up with the discussion."
#3: "I guess Hollywood really does rot a person's brain..."