Post by Deimos on Aug 3, 2009 21:49:12 GMT -5
Hey. I just wrote this chapter for this book I am writing called Endzeit. I would love it if you guys could look it over.
This book is based on a small paragraph in the Iconoclast album by Heaven Shall Burn. In short the paragraph is about 123 warriors that are trying to destory the murderes of god. This book is based on their story and it is focused in Melbourne.
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Chapter 1. Endzeit
Their wrath has dawned and war begun
Melissa and Jessica sat on a bench at Glenferry Station, waiting for their train. They had come out of Swimburne university and wanted to go to the city for some fun. Jess sighed and checked her watch, 5 minutes late, fucking Connex. She looked at the digital board hanging from the roof.
2:25 PM - CITY LOOP. ARR: 5
Melissa took out her book and started writing down some notes for her biomedicine course. Jess looked over her shoulder. They had been best friends for years and Jess had always checked over Melissa’s work. She was bright, but her notes often had mistakes in them. Jess pointed at a line in the book.
‘Honey, no, RNA doesn’t have thymine, its replaced with uracil’
Mel sighed in exasperation and closed her book. She tossed her auburn hair and glared at Jess.
‘I knew that, if you let me finish writing my notes, you might-‘
‘Well then why don’t you just write in shorthand?’
‘Because I don’t like shorthand, its too…short, I cant understand it’
Mel leaned back and mumbled something about Jess not getting her work style. Jess sighed again and took out her Ipod, just as she set the song Cinderella by Tata Young. She looked around the platform, students from the university gathered in their particular social groups. It was a popular trend, going to the city after their classes, especially Melbourne central, the shops, the food court provided a great way to relax after the stress of writing to the lecturers quick speaking.
Mel put her book in her bag and stood up just as the train was entering the platform. As soon as the train stopped she started pressing the button, eager to get on board. The door beeped and she rushed on the end carriage to get a seat. Sitting next to an old lady she noticed Jess was still sitting down, quickly she picked up a pen and threw it at her. It was a direct hit on the forehead, shocked she looked up, picked up her books and started fumbling towards the train.
Mel waved and laughed as the doors closed on Jess. She could see her friend stamping her feet and muffled swearing as the train squeaked and rumbled towards the city. Mel was still laughing as she picked up her phone and dialled her friend.
‘Why the fuck didn’t you warn me’
‘Why the fuck do you have your ipod on full volume’
The old lady next to Mel looked at her shock, obviously not used to such blatant use of bad language. Mel winked cheekily at her.
‘Everybody at the platform was talking, and I wanted to listen to my music’
‘So you decided to drown out the entire universe to hear a terrible singer prattle on about fairy tales’
Mel held the phone away from her ear as Jess yelled. She was very passionate about Tata Young.
‘She is a great singer and I love her lyrics, they get me’
‘Whatever, just get on the next train, I’ll wait for you outside Flinders’
Mel clicked her phone shut, dropped it inside her handbag, and leaned back as the train rumbled towards the city. Bored out of her mind, she looked at the people around her. Mel looked at the people near her on the train, occasionally, if she was bored, she would make up stories about them. Mel started on the old woman. She was going to visit some family in the city, most likely grandkids judging by the plastic container of cookies in her bag, it also contained several books, either she was a librarian, or she had a long distance to travel. Mel got bored with her and trained her gaze on the Asian across from her. She was talking on a mobile phone and with her free hand, brushed at her business suit. Mel could tell she was speaking Mandarin, she had learnt a bit at primary school. She seemed to be talking to a relative of hers, most likely her brother, maybe she worked for him?
Mel started to think about the boy next to the woman, but someone behind him caught her eye. A man with a hooded black jacket that flowed down to his feet was squashed between a large man and some punk goth. What a freak she thought. By his clothing he may know the goth.
But the style was different, less piercing. Mel watched as the man stood up and looked at his watch. The man gripped onto a rail as the train slowed down at the station. Mel watched him as the doors opened and Muslims flooded in.
Oh yes, she thought, they were near a Muslim school. Mel shifted to make space for a young woman in a burkha as the doors started to close. She smiled at her and continued watching the man. Mel’s smile faded away as soon as the bullets started flying.
The man in the black cloak had pulled out a silent Uzi and started to fire on the members of the train. Gasps of pain and death filled the carriage as the man fired mercilessly on them. As Mel tried to get up and run, but body of the woman in the burkha fell and tripped her, the woman had been shot in the neck.. Crying, tears flowing down her face, she tried to stand up but the blood kept on causing her to slip. When the shooting stopped, everything was quiet, except the sound of Mel’s sobbing and the rumble of the train. Mel gasped and groaned in pain when a steel tipped boot connected with her ribs and turned her over on her back. The dark man stood over her, his boot pushing her chest down and stopping her movements. She looked up into his face, and at that moment, knew she was going to die.
The dark man smiled at her and raised his gun towards her face.
‘Alea jacta est’
Mel started to choke, the boot pushing harder into her ribs, she could feel the bones starting to break.
‘The Iconoclast has began’
Then, with no hint of regret. He shot her in the head.
Callum lowered his pistol and knelt down besides his final victim. Such a waste of life, but it had to be done, she saw his face. With a gloved hand he closed her eyes, still open in a state of shock. He looked towards the other door and raised his hand towards a man in similar clothing. He stepped through the doors and shoved the body of the old woman with his foot, she had tried to escape. Callum stood up and reloaded his gun ‘Rowan, Is it done?’
The Rowan held up a blood stained knife.
‘There were only two of them on the other carriage’
He smiled wickedly and continued
‘I didn’t see the need to waste bullets’
Callum walked towards the door, with a knife he had in his pocket, he forced the doors open by killing the wires inside the button. He turned towards Rowan and started to speak, but the electronic voice on the PA system interrupted him, saying that they were arriving at the next station.
Callum grabbed Rowans hand and looked down, the train was starting to slow. If they jumped now, the impact would break their legs. Not to mention what the slope would do
‘Wait for the signal, we jump them’
The station started to appear around the bend. Callum squinted, the wind beating at his eyes.
‘Now!’
The men jumped and clumsily landed down by a half built fence, dizzy, they both stood up and stretched, it wasn’t the best of landing, but at least they didn’t break any thing. Callum leaned against the fence as he watched the train disappear. Rowan brushed his coat and looked around. The area was extremely down trodden, graffiti covered any available surface and litter was scattered all over the ground. There was a small bridge next to them that they train passed over, a khaki Jeep Wranger was in the space under the bride
‘Fucking pigs’ He muttered, referring to the state of the small pathway ‘They deserved it’ He heard jingling noise and looked at Callum, he was fiddling with a pole that had a red ribbon tied around it. He cut the ribbon and raised it.
‘The signal’
In the other hand he held a key ring with a single key on it.
‘The jeep’
Rowan took the keys out of his hand and opened the door of the Jeep as a loud screaming came from the station.
‘I think they liked our present’
Callum chuckled and climbed inside the passenger seat
‘You drive, we better get to Melbourne soon’
------------------------------------------
Now I now its not the best right now, but I would really appreciate any advice you guys could give me
This book is based on a small paragraph in the Iconoclast album by Heaven Shall Burn. In short the paragraph is about 123 warriors that are trying to destory the murderes of god. This book is based on their story and it is focused in Melbourne.
---------------
Chapter 1. Endzeit
Their wrath has dawned and war begun
Melissa and Jessica sat on a bench at Glenferry Station, waiting for their train. They had come out of Swimburne university and wanted to go to the city for some fun. Jess sighed and checked her watch, 5 minutes late, fucking Connex. She looked at the digital board hanging from the roof.
2:25 PM - CITY LOOP. ARR: 5
Melissa took out her book and started writing down some notes for her biomedicine course. Jess looked over her shoulder. They had been best friends for years and Jess had always checked over Melissa’s work. She was bright, but her notes often had mistakes in them. Jess pointed at a line in the book.
‘Honey, no, RNA doesn’t have thymine, its replaced with uracil’
Mel sighed in exasperation and closed her book. She tossed her auburn hair and glared at Jess.
‘I knew that, if you let me finish writing my notes, you might-‘
‘Well then why don’t you just write in shorthand?’
‘Because I don’t like shorthand, its too…short, I cant understand it’
Mel leaned back and mumbled something about Jess not getting her work style. Jess sighed again and took out her Ipod, just as she set the song Cinderella by Tata Young. She looked around the platform, students from the university gathered in their particular social groups. It was a popular trend, going to the city after their classes, especially Melbourne central, the shops, the food court provided a great way to relax after the stress of writing to the lecturers quick speaking.
Mel put her book in her bag and stood up just as the train was entering the platform. As soon as the train stopped she started pressing the button, eager to get on board. The door beeped and she rushed on the end carriage to get a seat. Sitting next to an old lady she noticed Jess was still sitting down, quickly she picked up a pen and threw it at her. It was a direct hit on the forehead, shocked she looked up, picked up her books and started fumbling towards the train.
Mel waved and laughed as the doors closed on Jess. She could see her friend stamping her feet and muffled swearing as the train squeaked and rumbled towards the city. Mel was still laughing as she picked up her phone and dialled her friend.
‘Why the fuck didn’t you warn me’
‘Why the fuck do you have your ipod on full volume’
The old lady next to Mel looked at her shock, obviously not used to such blatant use of bad language. Mel winked cheekily at her.
‘Everybody at the platform was talking, and I wanted to listen to my music’
‘So you decided to drown out the entire universe to hear a terrible singer prattle on about fairy tales’
Mel held the phone away from her ear as Jess yelled. She was very passionate about Tata Young.
‘She is a great singer and I love her lyrics, they get me’
‘Whatever, just get on the next train, I’ll wait for you outside Flinders’
Mel clicked her phone shut, dropped it inside her handbag, and leaned back as the train rumbled towards the city. Bored out of her mind, she looked at the people around her. Mel looked at the people near her on the train, occasionally, if she was bored, she would make up stories about them. Mel started on the old woman. She was going to visit some family in the city, most likely grandkids judging by the plastic container of cookies in her bag, it also contained several books, either she was a librarian, or she had a long distance to travel. Mel got bored with her and trained her gaze on the Asian across from her. She was talking on a mobile phone and with her free hand, brushed at her business suit. Mel could tell she was speaking Mandarin, she had learnt a bit at primary school. She seemed to be talking to a relative of hers, most likely her brother, maybe she worked for him?
Mel started to think about the boy next to the woman, but someone behind him caught her eye. A man with a hooded black jacket that flowed down to his feet was squashed between a large man and some punk goth. What a freak she thought. By his clothing he may know the goth.
But the style was different, less piercing. Mel watched as the man stood up and looked at his watch. The man gripped onto a rail as the train slowed down at the station. Mel watched him as the doors opened and Muslims flooded in.
Oh yes, she thought, they were near a Muslim school. Mel shifted to make space for a young woman in a burkha as the doors started to close. She smiled at her and continued watching the man. Mel’s smile faded away as soon as the bullets started flying.
The man in the black cloak had pulled out a silent Uzi and started to fire on the members of the train. Gasps of pain and death filled the carriage as the man fired mercilessly on them. As Mel tried to get up and run, but body of the woman in the burkha fell and tripped her, the woman had been shot in the neck.. Crying, tears flowing down her face, she tried to stand up but the blood kept on causing her to slip. When the shooting stopped, everything was quiet, except the sound of Mel’s sobbing and the rumble of the train. Mel gasped and groaned in pain when a steel tipped boot connected with her ribs and turned her over on her back. The dark man stood over her, his boot pushing her chest down and stopping her movements. She looked up into his face, and at that moment, knew she was going to die.
The dark man smiled at her and raised his gun towards her face.
‘Alea jacta est’
Mel started to choke, the boot pushing harder into her ribs, she could feel the bones starting to break.
‘The Iconoclast has began’
Then, with no hint of regret. He shot her in the head.
Callum lowered his pistol and knelt down besides his final victim. Such a waste of life, but it had to be done, she saw his face. With a gloved hand he closed her eyes, still open in a state of shock. He looked towards the other door and raised his hand towards a man in similar clothing. He stepped through the doors and shoved the body of the old woman with his foot, she had tried to escape. Callum stood up and reloaded his gun ‘Rowan, Is it done?’
The Rowan held up a blood stained knife.
‘There were only two of them on the other carriage’
He smiled wickedly and continued
‘I didn’t see the need to waste bullets’
Callum walked towards the door, with a knife he had in his pocket, he forced the doors open by killing the wires inside the button. He turned towards Rowan and started to speak, but the electronic voice on the PA system interrupted him, saying that they were arriving at the next station.
Callum grabbed Rowans hand and looked down, the train was starting to slow. If they jumped now, the impact would break their legs. Not to mention what the slope would do
‘Wait for the signal, we jump them’
The station started to appear around the bend. Callum squinted, the wind beating at his eyes.
‘Now!’
The men jumped and clumsily landed down by a half built fence, dizzy, they both stood up and stretched, it wasn’t the best of landing, but at least they didn’t break any thing. Callum leaned against the fence as he watched the train disappear. Rowan brushed his coat and looked around. The area was extremely down trodden, graffiti covered any available surface and litter was scattered all over the ground. There was a small bridge next to them that they train passed over, a khaki Jeep Wranger was in the space under the bride
‘Fucking pigs’ He muttered, referring to the state of the small pathway ‘They deserved it’ He heard jingling noise and looked at Callum, he was fiddling with a pole that had a red ribbon tied around it. He cut the ribbon and raised it.
‘The signal’
In the other hand he held a key ring with a single key on it.
‘The jeep’
Rowan took the keys out of his hand and opened the door of the Jeep as a loud screaming came from the station.
‘I think they liked our present’
Callum chuckled and climbed inside the passenger seat
‘You drive, we better get to Melbourne soon’
------------------------------------------
Now I now its not the best right now, but I would really appreciate any advice you guys could give me