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Post by Aqualung on Jun 29, 2011 12:04:00 GMT -5
I think I had a couple panic attacks on Sunday and Monday. Heart racing, stomach tying itself in knots....It's taking all my energy to not have another one.  |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Jun 29, 2011 12:11:30 GMT -5
ETA: Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is pretty hot right now, and is specifically geared toward depressed people who self-harm. I'd suggest you do some looking - I can probably help - to see if you can get in to sessions either alone or in a group. Edit 2: added quote for clarity. Wait, what? Are you shitting me?  Dammit...I guess my therapist DOES think I self-harm, then. |
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Post by MaybeNever on Jun 29, 2011 20:40:20 GMT -5
ETA: Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is pretty hot right now, and is specifically geared toward depressed people who self-harm. I'd suggest you do some looking - I can probably help - to see if you can get in to sessions either alone or in a group. Edit 2: added quote for clarity. Wait, what? Are you shitting me? Dammit...I guess my therapist DOES think I self-harm, then. It can be used in other cases, and it's quite young and highly successful as a methodology, so it's used pretty often. But its origin was indeed for depression where suicide (I believe specifically) was a serious concern and securing the physical safety of the sufferer was the first priority. |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Jun 29, 2011 20:55:22 GMT -5
Wait, what? Are you shitting me? Dammit...I guess my therapist DOES think I self-harm, then. It can be used in other cases, and it's quite young and highly successful as a methodology, so it's used pretty often. But its origin was indeed for depression where suicide (I believe specifically) was a serious concern and securing the physical safety of the sufferer was the first priority. Ohh, that makes more sense to me. I really don't think I self harm or anything, mostly just the urges to find a way to die, so... |
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Post by wmdkitty on Jun 29, 2011 22:11:24 GMT -5
My anxiety is finally abating to a point where I'm not snarling and snapping at everyone and everything, but I'm feeling blah and mopey.
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Post by Shane for Wax on Jun 29, 2011 23:13:50 GMT -5
Nearly relapsed but not for the fact that I was depressed. I'm not sure it counts if you harm yourself in order to stir up more endorphins to give you relief from pain in other places.
But in case it isn't clear, my knife is still sheathed. But damn was I wanted to take it out to get the pain in my face to abate.
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Post by wmdkitty on Jun 30, 2011 0:12:09 GMT -5
Nearly relapsed but not for the fact that I was depressed. I'm not sure it counts if you harm yourself in order to stir up more endorphins to give you relief from pain in other places. But in case it isn't clear, my knife is still sheathed. But damn was I wanted to take it out to get the pain in my face to abate. It's funny how that works, like the new pain distracts you from the old pain or something. |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Jun 30, 2011 0:14:25 GMT -5
Nearly relapsed but not for the fact that I was depressed. I'm not sure it counts if you harm yourself in order to stir up more endorphins to give you relief from pain in other places. But in case it isn't clear, my knife is still sheathed. But damn was I wanted to take it out to get the pain in my face to abate. I've never cut, but whenever I'm emotionally numb, I do scrape my scissors' blades over my skin. It seems to help...unfortunately, it freaks my fibromyalgia right the fuck out, so it doesn't really help me with physical pain. |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Jun 30, 2011 1:00:33 GMT -5
Okay, um, if anyone's awake, I need to ask a question.
Is it 'normal', so far as someone with major depressive disorder can be 'normal', to care for one's family but not want to be near them, talk to them, or interact with them very much?
Like, I've been cutting off ties with my mom because, frankly, she's the source of most of my problems-- my counselor and I have traced a lot of my insecurities and coping problems to my mom's poor parenting. Nothing against her as a person (though she'd take it this way), she's just a shitty parent who basically breeds and passes down shitty habits to her kids, many of which are known to create or exacerbate mental illness (eating disorders, all-or-nothing mentality, inconsistency in rule-making and discipline, etc.). She gets it from her parents and they, frankly, didn't give a shit about her emotional health to the point where she couldn't even confide in them about her older brother molesting her while she was bed-ridden with arthritis at the age of 12 (yes, she's had an INCREDIBLY shitty life).
I can acknowledge that she's only human and she did the best she could...but that doesn't really help me right now. And when I look at the self-defeating beliefs and habits she taught me, including quite a few religious beliefs (I still, for instance, struggle with the idea that I'm an inherently evil being whose only purpose and ability is to spread pain; I used to literally believe that I was a demonic being who took over the baby's body, because I caused her grief even as an infant) I can't help but feel, at the very least, hurt. Regarding certain habits and beliefs she gave me, I feel anger. I loathe myself because of what she taught me.
Anyway, to try to whittle it down to a point, we've basically agreed that she's not going to initiate contact with me. If I want to talk to her, I'm free to do so, but she won't 'push' herself onto me. Now, we've made agreements like this in the past; obviously, they weren't very long-lived. However, I don't live with her anymore. And she was sobbing as we agreed to this...and all I could feel was relief.
Is this wrong? What am I doing wrong? I do feel for my mother; if I didn't, why would I cry when she does? But then, why am I able to detach from her feelings and just...be relieved?
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Post by Shane for Wax on Jun 30, 2011 1:15:18 GMT -5
Nearly relapsed but not for the fact that I was depressed. I'm not sure it counts if you harm yourself in order to stir up more endorphins to give you relief from pain in other places. But in case it isn't clear, my knife is still sheathed. But damn was I wanted to take it out to get the pain in my face to abate. It's funny how that works, like the new pain distracts you from the old pain or something. That's because of the endorphins that the new pain causes. Like when Dr. House broke his hand with that pestle when he had the migraine. It was to cause more endorphins to release which gave him a reprieve from his migraine. Of course... there was also the fact that he broke his hand that he then had to deal with... Yes, ladies and gents, my ear hurts THAT bad I'd resort to such things. ETA: I also just now noticed my typo in my previous post. I blame the meds I'm taking. |
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Post by Rat Of Steel on Jun 30, 2011 5:47:35 GMT -5
But in case it isn't clear, my knife is still sheathed. But damn was I wanted to take it out to get the pain in my face to abate. If you need pain relief, you can always unsheath my blade. I've been told it can work wonders in that way.  Seriously, though, hang in there. Pain heals, an' all.  *hugs Shane* |
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Alyra
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ex-fundie
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Post by Alyra on Jul 3, 2011 20:04:37 GMT -5
I think I'm depressed. No, scratch that, I know I am. I just don't have an official diagnosis of it. Not for lack of trying, but I'm scared of dying and I'm pacifist, and my county won't help people who can't pay unless they're suicidal or violent. I'm so sick of being miserable, though. I get mad at everyone for stuff that's not their fault, and then I sabotage the relationship because I think they hate me, until they really do. And some days I just can't stop crying. It really sucks. I feel like I'm being a horrible person for not being happy over my trip next week, or for not spending enough time with my family. But I just can't deal with them. It's just easier to shut everyone out, at least then I won't push them into hurting me. And this week has been the worst in a long time.
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Post by Shane for Wax on Jul 3, 2011 20:11:27 GMT -5
I'm finding myself slowly becoming unglued again. I've got two people wearing me down trying to be there for them and I just can't do it. Not with everything going on with me but I feel guilty just thinking about telling them that.
It's funny how purposeful wounds heal quicker than the accidental wounds on my body.
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Post by lighthorseman on Jul 3, 2011 21:52:28 GMT -5
I think I'm depressed. No, scratch that, I know I am. I just don't have an official diagnosis of it. Not for lack of trying, but I'm scared of dying and I'm pacifist, and my county won't help people who can't pay unless they're suicidal or violent. I'm so sick of being miserable, though. I get mad at everyone for stuff that's not their fault, and then I sabotage the relationship because I think they hate me, until they really do. And some days I just can't stop crying. It really sucks. I feel like I'm being a horrible person for not being happy over my trip next week, or for not spending enough time with my family. But I just can't deal with them. It's just easier to shut everyone out, at least then I won't push them into hurting me. And this week has been the worst in a long time. Its good that you can recognise the problem in yourself. May I ask why you havn't sought professional help and gotten an approipriate diagnosis and treatment yet? |
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Alyra
Full Member
ex-fundie
Posts: 143
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Post by Alyra on Jul 3, 2011 21:57:19 GMT -5
I tried. I went to county services and they said I didn't qualify because I'm not violent or suicidal. I don't have insurance and I'm unemployed. I can't use my financial aid for therapy; I need it for books, tuition, gas and food. There's no way I can pay, even if I found someone who offered a reduced rate.
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Dammit...I guess my therapist DOES think I self-harm, then.
*hugs Shane*
