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Post by andi on Aug 23, 2011 8:34:15 GMT -5
So. A pro-ana forum I've frequented has been shut down. Funny thing is, I'm relieved. I'm sure it'll be just a matter of time before forum 2.0 will make it's debut, but I'm not sure if I want to join it. Because I realize that this is a really good chance to try and cure myself from this crap. Cause, you know, I'm starting to think that I could use a support group that doesn't encourage this sort of behavior and thinking.
I want to get better but I don't want to gain weight. I know that having a low BMI or sharp collarbones wont make me happy - not really - but I don't want to lose everything I've worked for. Bleh.
Also, if I crossed a line with this post, I'm sorry and will take it down, pronto. Don't want to make people feel hurt or uncomfortable.
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Keiro
Full Member
An Puis?n Faolch?
Posts: 214
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Post by Keiro on Aug 27, 2011 6:43:11 GMT -5
Okay, um, if anyone's awake, I need to ask a question. Is it 'normal', so far as someone with major depressive disorder can be 'normal', to care for one's family but not want to be near them, talk to them, or interact with them very much? Like, I've been cutting off ties with my mom because, frankly, she's the source of most of my problems-- my counselor and I have traced a lot of my insecurities and coping problems to my mom's poor parenting. Nothing against her as a person (though she'd take it this way), she's just a shitty parent who basically breeds and passes down shitty habits to her kids, many of which are known to create or exacerbate mental illness (eating disorders, all-or-nothing mentality, inconsistency in rule-making and discipline, etc.). She gets it from her parents and they, frankly, didn't give a shit about her emotional health to the point where she couldn't even confide in them about her older brother molesting her while she was bed-ridden with arthritis at the age of 12 (yes, she's had an INCREDIBLY shitty life). I can acknowledge that she's only human and she did the best she could...but that doesn't really help me right now. And when I look at the self-defeating beliefs and habits she taught me, including quite a few religious beliefs (I still, for instance, struggle with the idea that I'm an inherently evil being whose only purpose and ability is to spread pain; I used to literally believe that I was a demonic being who took over the baby's body, because I caused her grief even as an infant) I can't help but feel, at the very least, hurt. Regarding certain habits and beliefs she gave me, I feel anger. I loathe myself because of what she taught me. Anyway, to try to whittle it down to a point, we've basically agreed that she's not going to initiate contact with me. If I want to talk to her, I'm free to do so, but she won't 'push' herself onto me. Now, we've made agreements like this in the past; obviously, they weren't very long-lived. However, I don't live with her anymore. And she was sobbing as we agreed to this...and all I could feel was relief. Is this wrong? What am I doing wrong? I do feel for my mother; if I didn't, why would I cry when she does? But then, why am I able to detach from her feelings and just...be relieved? ... DpD... are you male/female? Because if I didn't know better, I'd have said you're a clone of me.  ; Or you were in my family, since I know you also have a hearing aid, as I do. Holy shit balls, mang. As for... "Is it 'normal', so far as someone with major depressive disorder can be 'normal', to care for one's family but not want to be near them, talk to them, or interact with them very much?" Perfectly normal. I'm the same way, myself, despite my family being with me right now. They still do not realize that my sleeping during the day is also another attempt at more or less keeping their contact to a minimum. (See Family Stupidity in Flame & Burn.) I... also have a lot of issues. For now though, I'll have to post them later, as I'd like to do that when I'm more or less clear-headed. |
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Post by The_L on Aug 27, 2011 12:29:33 GMT -5
DPD, you are like me only without the liking of penises. Especially where the avoiding parents thing is concerned.
I avoid my parents because otherwise we would be at each other's throats all the time.
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Post by Shane for Wax on Aug 27, 2011 12:50:31 GMT -5
I care for my family but right now I'm too pissed off at my mom.
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 27, 2011 16:09:09 GMT -5
Keiro: I have boobs, but I've always been a little iffy about gender. Doesn't help when you're raised with your parents swearing up and down that you used to be a boy fetus, then someone prayed for a girl and now BOOBIES! Also that my only companions growing up were my brothers. Also also that my mom appears to have more "masculine" traits, by societal standards, while my dad's far more understanding, "touchy feely", willing to discuss things rather than 'jump right into action', has zero interest in cars, etc. I mean, I'm not upset about it enough to cause any problems for me, so I feel kinda bad for even mentioning it, but... ANYWAY, back to the actual topic (sorry). I've managed to work something out with my mum since that post-- I email her every night except Saturday, to let her know I'm at least breathing and not on the side of the road somewhere, and I talk to her Saturday nights. It's a lot more comfortable for me, and the last time she visited, she only got "weird" for about 5 minutes of the 4 hours she was here (when she 'reminded' me very forcefully that my name means Christian, after I offhandedly mentioned something about a guy with my feminine name getting sick of his name real quick.) I still don't feel close to my mom, but ever since I put my foot down, she's gotten a lot easier to handle. It's been really freeing for me, too-- got my hair cut with clippers again 'cause I like it that way, and I'm not gonna worry about her insinuating I look like a dyke. @the_L: But...but I like penises. >: I guess, anyway, never really been around one. I just get really nervous around people (IRL, anyway) that have penises. Then again, I also get nervous and dismissive around "typical" college student females; you know, the sort who giggle breathily and toss their hair and only know how to laugh through their noses and who are so obsessed with fashion and attracting guys that I'm amazed they aren't movie characters. Or 2D, either one. So maybe it's just college students who scare me. Oh, and the Wal-Mart creepers who follow my roommate around and try to stare her down. My main psychological concern right now is trying to figure out whether I just have a crush on someone or not. Meh, typical "emotionally a teenager" stuff.
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Post by Shane for Wax on Aug 27, 2011 17:50:30 GMT -5
I nearly cut today but thanks to L and another friend I didn't. So thank you.
Also, DPD, if I start tweeting with horrible typing please smack me and tell me no.
ETA- the dysphoria really smacked me in the face today and I was very close to trying to just saw off my breasts. =(
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 27, 2011 18:17:38 GMT -5
*salute!*
...wait, the cat talk doesn't count, write?
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Post by Shane for Wax on Aug 27, 2011 20:28:56 GMT -5
*salute!* ...wait, the cat talk doesn't count, write? Right. I mean like it looks like I'm drunk typing. |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 27, 2011 20:34:10 GMT -5
*salute!* ...wait, the cat talk doesn't count, write? Right. I mean like it looks like I'm drunk typing. Oh, okay, just checking. <.<; I swear I wasn't drunk when I made that post. |
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Paimun
Full Member
Captain Punderpants!
dick fingers
Posts: 221
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Post by Paimun on Aug 27, 2011 23:42:59 GMT -5
In the future, I really really should stay away from my medicine cabinet when I'm depressed, and not just take pills for shiggles.
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Post by Mlle Antéchrist on Aug 28, 2011 0:32:12 GMT -5
^^ What did you take? If you took too much of something tonight, please, please go to the ER.  So. A pro-ana forum I've frequented has been shut down. Funny thing is, I'm relieved. I'm sure it'll be just a matter of time before forum 2.0 will make it's debut, but I'm not sure if I want to join it. Because I realize that this is a really good chance to try and cure myself from this crap. Cause, you know, I'm starting to think that I could use a support group that doesn't encourage this sort of behavior and thinking. I want to get better but I don't want to gain weight. I know that having a low BMI or sharp collarbones wont make me happy - not really - but I don't want to lose everything I've worked for. Bleh. Also, if I crossed a line with this post, I'm sorry and will take it down, pronto. Don't want to make people feel hurt or uncomfortable. Promise me you'll resist the urge to rejoin as hard as you can. You deserve a support system that focuses on helping you, rather than supporting the disease. Even if you're not quite ready to recover, there are non-pro-ana sites out there which won't try to shove recovery down your throat, or censor everything you need to say. This isn't meant as a personal attack on you, but I really hate pro-ana. I used to mod on a support site for people (mostly females, but we had a few guys too) who were struggling with mental health issues, ranging from depression to schizophrenia, and we had quite a few people who had eating disorders, including the site owner. I learned a ton about eating disorders from them, and saw the absolute hell they went through. A couple were literally dying from the permanent damage done by the disease, yet were only in their 20s or 30s. Watching people I cared about slowly die... it's an image that's forever burnt into my mind. 30-year-olds in wheelchairs and diapers, unable to eat without vomiting, 20-somethings who were developing osteoporosis, and all sorts of terrible things happening to good people whose brains kept telling them that they weren't good enough. EDs are utterly devastating, as I'm sure you know too well. As such, I find pro-ana absolutely horrifying. I've seen the sites, so I do realize that most of them aren't blatantly telling girls that anorexia is sunshine and rainbows, but regardless of intention, it's difficult to deny that they're encouraging EDs by offering thinspo, tips & tricks, and so on. I get that those sites offer a sense of community to people who otherwise feel alone in their illness, but they should be supporting the person, not the disease. No one should be congratulating an already emaciated girl when she manages to lose another few pounds. That's not support. Again, this isn't an attack on you -- I don't think that the individuals involved in the community are necessarily bad people -- I just find the sites themselves really upsetting. I mean, I knew people who were dying from their illness... it's really hard not to be upset when you come across that kind of stuff, know what I mean? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in beating your disease. |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 28, 2011 1:34:01 GMT -5
God...I knew EDs were bad, but not THAT bad...it really sounds like pro-anorexia sites are the equivalent to "oh, don't worry about your cancer, just stop taking chemotherapy". *shudder*
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Post by MaybeNever on Aug 28, 2011 2:03:36 GMT -5
So. A pro-ana forum I've frequented has been shut down. Funny thing is, I'm relieved. I'm sure it'll be just a matter of time before forum 2.0 will make it's debut, but I'm not sure if I want to join it. Because I realize that this is a really good chance to try and cure myself from this crap. Cause, you know, I'm starting to think that I could use a support group that doesn't encourage this sort of behavior and thinking. I want to get better but I don't want to gain weight. I know that having a low BMI or sharp collarbones wont make me happy - not really - but I don't want to lose everything I've worked for. Bleh. Also, if I crossed a line with this post, I'm sorry and will take it down, pronto. Don't want to make people feel hurt or uncomfortable. Promise me you'll resist the urge to rejoin as hard as you can. You deserve a support system that focuses on helping you, rather than supporting the disease. Even if you're not quite ready to recover, there are non-pro-ana sites out there which won't try to shove recovery down your throat, or censor everything you need to say. Yes. This. Please. Please. Recovery is up to you, which means that it can go as fast or as slow (or not at all!) as you want it to go. If you're not looking to make changes, that's okay. But there are safe places to explore your options, and unsafe places. Pro-ana sites, to be honest, are probably not going to be safe any more than a site which pushes a "YOU MUST GET HEALTHY THE WAY WE SAY" agenda is safe. Seconding this as well. In many ways, the health risks of being overweight are less acute than the health risks of being underweight. This is especially true for women, in part because men have more muscle mass and for some reason more resilient bones (or something) for the body to use metabolically, and in part because women have such an intense cultural weight to be emaciatedly thin. Or at least that's how it is in the US and Canada. I'm not as familiar with Finland, but I assume it is similar. This too. You can do it! And better, you can do it in a way that feels comfortable and natural to you. You just have to find that way, and you have lots of allies to do it, whenever you're ready! God...I knew EDs were bad, but not THAT bad...it really sounds like pro-anorexia sites are the equivalent to "oh, don't worry about your cancer, just stop taking chemotherapy". *shudder* At their most benign, pro-ana folks can be accepting and tolerant of individuals with eating disorders or extremely slender body types. It doesn't have to be a negative thing at all, and as you can probably imagine, a person with anorexia/bulimia who is constantly hounded to eat a sandwich already will often find acceptance very refreshing. This kind of acceptance is, from a humanistic perspective, vital to the process of recovery; so such groups can serve a vital function. In this case it's more like "don't worry about your cancer, worry about making your life happy". But you get the extremes, the people who judge anyone with more than 3% body fat to be a gross lardo, the people who put down others who want to maintain a healthy body weight. The fat-friendly community of course has its equivalent in those who say that anybody who wants to lose weight is betraying "the movement", or is buying into social pressure, or whatever. Group think is weird and fascinating. This is more like "trying to cure your cancer makes you a bad person". Christ. A major problem I have with pro-ana, and indeed with many similar movements, is that they make the argument that a person should be free to choose the weight that they want to be at, or the drugs they want to use, or whatever, without having to be judged; but then they fail to contemplate whether or not a given individual is actually free to make that choice! Eating disorders are almost invariably pathological, meaning that they have a profound, subtle, and literally primeval effect on an individual's judgment and rationality. Other than our relationship with sex, our relationship with food is probably the most fundamentally hard-coded element of our psychology - considering how vital it is, this shouldn't come as a surprise. An individual with an eating disorder has a dysfunction in that relationship, for some reason or other, and until this is addressed the individual's ability to make rational choices regarding eating is dramatically impaired. P.S. Sorry for ranting at you. This wasn't addressed at you specifically, DPD, your post just got me thinking about it. |
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Paimun
Full Member
Captain Punderpants!
dick fingers
Posts: 221
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Post by Paimun on Aug 28, 2011 8:50:19 GMT -5
^^ What did you take? If you took too much of something tonight, please, please go to the ER. Only a bunch of Loperamide, actually...but I've had way way too many thoughts of downing bottles of Tylenol before. |
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Post by The_L on Aug 28, 2011 10:47:42 GMT -5
@the_L: But...but I like penises. >: I guess, anyway, never really been around one. I just get really nervous around people (IRL, anyway) that have penises. Then again, I also get nervous and dismissive around "typical" college student females; you know, the sort who giggle breathily and toss their hair and only know how to laugh through their noses and who are so obsessed with fashion and attracting guys that I'm amazed they aren't movie characters. Or 2D, either one. So maybe it's just college students who scare me. Oh, and the Wal-Mart creepers who follow my roommate around and try to stare her down. My main psychological concern right now is trying to figure out whether I just have a crush on someone or not. Meh, typical "emotionally a teenager" stuff. Somehow I thought you were a lesbian >.> I must have you confused with someone else. I tend to do that a lot--I was never good at the whole "social interaction" thing. IRL guys tend to make me extremely nervous, too, mostly because I'm terrified of being turned down. (Rejection: It's like high school all over again!) That may be why so many of my relationships started over the Internet... >.> Girls make me nervous because I'm afraid that I'll get fired and blacklisted for getting romantically involved with another woman. My escape from my parents generally took the form of hiding out in my room for hours on end. I didn't go out much because my parents would give me the 3rd degree every time. When I went places, it was either between university classes (so that i had an excuse for being downtown) or while my parents were safely at work (and thus didn't have to know that I was out). ...Man, I am all kinds of paranoid. How am I not less sane than this? HOW? |
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; Or you were in my family, since I know you also have a hearing aid, as I do.
