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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 28, 2011 11:19:10 GMT -5
@the_L: But...but I like penises. >: I guess, anyway, never really been around one. I just get really nervous around people (IRL, anyway) that have penises. Then again, I also get nervous and dismissive around "typical" college student females; you know, the sort who giggle breathily and toss their hair and only know how to laugh through their noses and who are so obsessed with fashion and attracting guys that I'm amazed they aren't movie characters. Or 2D, either one. So maybe it's just college students who scare me. Oh, and the Wal-Mart creepers who follow my roommate around and try to stare her down. My main psychological concern right now is trying to figure out whether I just have a crush on someone or not. Meh, typical "emotionally a teenager" stuff. Somehow I thought you were a lesbian >.> I must have you confused with someone else. I tend to do that a lot--I was never good at the whole "social interaction" thing. IRL guys tend to make me extremely nervous, too, mostly because I'm terrified of being turned down. (Rejection: It's like high school all over again!) That may be why so many of my relationships started over the Internet... >.> Girls make me nervous because I'm afraid that I'll get fired and blacklisted for getting romantically involved with another woman. My escape from my parents generally took the form of hiding out in my room for hours on end. I didn't go out much because my parents would give me the 3rd degree every time. When I went places, it was either between university classes (so that i had an excuse for being downtown) or while my parents were safely at work (and thus didn't have to know that I was out). ...Man, I am all kinds of paranoid. How am I not less sane than this? HOW? Looking back, I do seem to...er...admire women more openly than I do men, so maybe that's the problem? Whereas most decent men I'm acquainted with are online, I'm reluctant to go near one in person. It makes no sense, I know, especially when I can think of several awesome guys I've been around and who aren't related to me (one of whom is a ginger I STILL nurse a crush on-- beware the ginger, metal-singing bass players, man, they'll suck you in!), but. Most guys intimidate me. *shrug* I blame my having a mother who was sexually abused by her brother and physically abused (though she doesn't consider it abuse, it fits the bill) by her father. It's like...simultaneously being encourage to find a boyfriend, but being guarded at all times and subconsciously taught that men just want one thing, and one thing only, and if they dominate you physically you must've asked for it in some way so watch what you do and wear and say! You don't want to be a dirty skankass who begs to be 'raped'! *curls up into a little ball* MaybeNever: No, no problem, I understand. It kinda seems like allowing someone with chronic depression to take euthanasia. I don't have any friends or anything who suffer from an eating disorder (unless emotional/overeating count) so I don't know much about it first hand. |
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Post by Mlle Antéchrist on Aug 28, 2011 18:46:20 GMT -5
^^ What did you take? If you took too much of something tonight, please, please go to the ER. Only a bunch of Loperamide, actually...but I've had way way too many thoughts of downing bottles of Tylenol before. Eek, Tylenol ODs are horrific. Anytime you feel like downing a bottle, remember this: Tylenol overdose = horrifically painful liver failure. All ODs are bad, mind you, but Tylenol is particularly brutal. |
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Post by trike on Aug 28, 2011 22:21:36 GMT -5
So, its been a month off the cymbalta and the withdrawal effects are pretty well gone. The first week or two I had a horrific time concentrating on anything along with nausea, headaches and oftentimes hearing voices (it sounded like a television was on somewhere and I couldn't quite make out what program was on). Luckily, the voices weren't as bad as they were the first time I went cold turkey (during which I swore Roman senators were speaking Greek in the next room all the time) and I could function well enough to do what I had to do most of the time. Then, when all that cleared away I had headaches, constant headaches which have luckily faded away in the last week. A friend of mine on Tumblr helped me get through a lot of the symptoms.
Am I cured? Probably not, as depression can run in families and sometimes hides behind other things like alcoholism (which, being Irish, my family has a fuck ton of alcoholics) and my depression has flared up twice already which could mean that it's something I may have to deal with my entire life. But right now I'm feeling good and optimistic about my chances of being able to fight this thing off each time it rears its ugly head.
(((((((hugs to everyone)))))))))))) I would encourage everyone that thinks they might be struggling with anything to get help. It might be uncomfortable, weird or scary but it can help.
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Keiro
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An Puis?n Faolch?
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Post by Keiro on Aug 29, 2011 19:41:10 GMT -5
Keiro: I have boobs, but I've always been a little iffy about gender. Doesn't help when you're raised with your parents swearing up and down that you used to be a boy fetus, then someone prayed for a girl and now BOOBIES! Also that my only companions growing up were my brothers. Also also that my mom appears to have more "masculine" traits, by societal standards, while my dad's far more understanding, "touchy feely", willing to discuss things rather than 'jump right into action', has zero interest in cars, etc. Ah, finally I get your gender right in my mind. I was confused as to what gender you were. Yeah, it certainly doesn't help.  I mean, I'm not upset about it enough to cause any problems for me, so I feel kinda bad for even mentioning it, but...  If it causes you issues in any way, don't feel bad. ANYWAY, back to the actual topic (sorry). I've managed to work something out with my mum since that post-- I email her every night except Saturday, to let her know I'm at least breathing and not on the side of the road somewhere, and I talk to her Saturday nights. It's a lot more comfortable for me, and the last time she visited, she only got "weird" for about 5 minutes of the 4 hours she was here (when she 'reminded' me very forcefully that my name means Christian, after I offhandedly mentioned something about a guy with my feminine name getting sick of his name real quick.) Pretty damned good, then!  ... Now if my mother could just get the goddamn hint, I'd be good. But... your name meaning Christian? So? If it doesn't matter to you, why does it matter to her? Oh wait, because shut up, that's why, would that be it? I still don't feel close to my mom, but ever since I put my foot down, she's gotten a lot easier to handle. It's been really freeing for me, too-- got my hair cut with clippers again 'cause I like it that way, and I'm not gonna worry about her insinuating I look like a dyke. WOO! Even better! I'm still having issues with my mother, sadly, but that's something that I'm pretty sure won't change, no matter what I do. @the_L: But...but I like penises. >: I guess, anyway, never really been around one. I just get really nervous around people (IRL, anyway) that have penises. Obby. Sorry, sorry. ._. Edit: Damn it L for making me edit to clarify why I said this. XD I was more or less saying obby as in you like penises? Awesome! then... Why hello there! ;D Hence the sorry sorry comment. :/ Then again, I also get nervous and dismissive around "typical" college student females; you know, the sort who giggle breathily and toss their hair and only know how to laugh through their noses and who are so obsessed with fashion and attracting guys that I'm amazed they aren't movie characters. Or 2D, either one. So maybe it's just college students who scare me. Oh, and the Wal-Mart creepers who follow my roommate around and try to stare her down. ; Wonderful, I LOVE when that happens... you know, the college students and creepers. It's even worse when the two are one. ._. My main psychological concern right now is trying to figure out whether I just have a crush on someone or not. Meh, typical "emotionally a teenager" stuff. Crushes... somewhat hard to define. Personally, though, I think if you like the person and have fantasies about that person... you're most likely to have a crush. And as I promised, I'll describe my issues in the next post... I'm writing it up in Notepad++ right now, actually. |
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Post by Mlle Antéchrist on Aug 29, 2011 19:52:15 GMT -5
I guess this might be a good chance to ask this, since I've been wondering about it for a while: Which pronoun do you prefer, Deadpan? She? Zie? I don't want to accidentally call you the wrong thing, 'cause I'd feel like a total ass for a week afterward.
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Post by Shane for Wax on Aug 29, 2011 21:33:19 GMT -5
I use she for DPD.
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Keiro
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Post by Keiro on Aug 29, 2011 23:01:12 GMT -5
So, as promised, my next post: So, my mental issues are thus: 1. Slightly before I started Jr. HS, I attempted suicide. I was at my father's house at the time, and I vaguely recall my father forcibly cutting my line of communication back then, and refusing to let me contact my mother. He then left me with his woman and his kids. I do not remember when or how long it was before I snapped at realizing that my father had in fact taken the phone with him. I do remember raging and breaking several things before finally turning to attack myself and successfully getting ahold of a knife and threatening to kill myself. ... Honestly? I wish I could achieve that extreme level of calm and detachedness. I clearly recall police showing up as my mother did so, with a helicopter flying about. Had I had a railgun back then, I'd most likely have taken the fucker out because it was screwing with my hearing. 2. From then on, I had massive case of depression and repeated cycles of attempting suicide but never fully going through with it. At one point, I had managed to go through, but somehow managed to heal the next day with no hint of the damage. Not sure how that worked...but eh, it is what happened. -shrug- 3. During all of this, both sides of my family treated me like shit, usually considered an afterthought after my sister gets all she needs and wants. 4. My family used my disability funds for whatever. As I came to understand how they got funds, I started questioning why I could not get things as I needed. My requests usually were either met with a "Don't have enough money for that" or "Maybe later" which usually meant no. 5. In the last year of high school, I'd managed to get myself signed into a program that taught me how to drive. I'd already learned from my parents, but it was a useful, legal way of learning and getting a driver's license. Right before I could get it, and before I reached 18... I was yoinked out of the program just as I was about to be set for a driver's test. 6. My family has also sabotaged my attempts to be independent with a vehicle by screwing up my credit, and making every effort to prevent me from getting a driver's license if I happened to live close by or with them, because no one else would let me use their vehicle for the driving test. 7. After I finally left, and started living on my own, I found I functioned far better alone without my family than I did with them, but still had difficulties in getting a vehicle and a driver's license. This led to... 8. Me finally snapping and losing all conscious memory of who, what, where, why and the like that made me. For a full day, I stayed in my home, thinking I had to hide in order to survive a war that was on-going. No idea what that was about, but once I eventually regained my memories, it gave me quite the scare. So... quite a lot of issues. Mostly family-related.  I'm still coming to grips... but this is not easy to deal with. :/ |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 29, 2011 23:30:18 GMT -5
I guess this might be a good chance to ask this, since I've been wondering about it for a while: Which pronoun do you prefer, Deadpan? She? Zie? I don't want to accidentally call you the wrong thing, 'cause I'd feel like a total ass for a week afterward. Don't worry, it doesn't really matter to me what I'm called. I'll even answer to bitch, albeit with a suckerpunch.  I'm just...eh about the pronouns, so use whatever you want. If that changes at all for me in the future, I'll let everybody know. It'd be funny if someone started just referring to me with "THAT ONE", like McCain called Obama. "I think THAT ONE is crazy!" "WTF is THAT ONE?" @shane: Yup! Keiro: ...jesus, man. I...don't know what to say. *offers hugs* It's good that you realize how badly your dear family affects you, at least. I just wish you didn't have to be around them at all. I don't know what else to say that isn't full-on raging and threatening complete strangers on the internet...damn... Well, I do have a question, at least-- have you been able to get hold of any psychiatric help? I may have missed something where you've said yea or nay, so I apologize if this is redundant. trike: *offers hugs* I can't wait until I can step off of Wellbutrin (seriously, fucking Wellbutrin, the pussy meds) without hitting rock bottom...ONE DAY, THOUGH. One day. Depression appears to run in my family, too, but I can't sort out if it's genetic, shitty parenting from generation to generation (we ALL have mommy and/or daddy issues) or some combination thereof. I doubt bipolar disorder can be caused by shitty parenting, though, and my uncle has that, so maybe it's largely genetic. I just don't know. And now I must go to sleep, because I keep picturing Christopher Walken reading my post in his crazy little way. Good night (in this time zone anyway) dear forumites. |
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Keiro
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Post by Keiro on Aug 30, 2011 0:08:25 GMT -5
Keiro: ...jesus, man. I...don't know what to say. *offers hugs* It's good that you realize how badly your dear family affects you, at least. I just wish you didn't have to be around them at all. Indeed. My sister is... unbelievable. Pure toxic nuclear on two legs if I ever saw one. I don't know what else to say that isn't full-on raging and threatening complete strangers on the internet...damn... Feel free to. L wants to do the same. Well, I do have a question, at least-- have you been able to get hold of any psychiatric help? I may have missed something where you've said yea or nay, so I apologize if this is redundant. ... Eh. No. The last time I did, I was told, "Stop being a pussy and get the fuck out and stop wasting my time." Take that as you will. :< I've spoken to very few people about this, as I rarely trust people enough to tell people about my issues... as that usually does not end well. Depression appears to run in my family, too, but I can't sort out if it's genetic, shitty parenting from generation to generation (we ALL have mommy and/or daddy issues) or some combination thereof. I doubt bipolar disorder can be caused by shitty parenting, though, and my uncle has that, so maybe it's largely genetic. I just don't know. Genetic, probably, from what you just said. And now I must go to sleep, because I keep picturing Christopher Walken reading my post in his crazy little way. Good night (in this time zone anyway) dear forumites. G'night! -offer hugs.- |
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Post by Shane for Wax on Aug 30, 2011 0:38:36 GMT -5
I feel so bad. It seems my family troubles are nothing compared to a lot of your guys'.
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Post by The_L on Aug 30, 2011 18:33:43 GMT -5
Mine feel insignificant as well.
My issues are mostly social, and probably stem from a combination of frequent moving as a child, accelerated education, and being a late bloomer. At one point, I was 4 years ahead of other kids my age, and those kids had just finished puberty. So yeah, social pariah.
By 15, I had started to "notice" boys, but when you've gained a reputation as an annoying underdeveloped little bitch (yay fundie upbringing!), boys generally don't "notice" you back. Being pumped full of hormones as I was, this was pretty devastating. I started showing signs of depression, saw (Christian) psychologists, took Zoloft, stopped wanting to kill myself, got taken off Zoloft.
Graduated. Found a man over the Internet; he turned out to be a jealous, manipulative asshole with severe penis issues. Was suicidal for a few months; friend snapped me out of it. Friend became boyfriend, turned out to have anger issues. We broke up.
Found a weird Asatruar FWB; he was a /b/tard. Discovered Wicca; this helped somewhat, because I finally had a name for my rather unusual perspective on life, the universe, and everything. Suffered severe anxiety hiding it from my parents until I moved out; Mom thinks it's justaphase, and Dad...I don't want to know what Dad would do if he found out while I was still under his roof.
Had a severe episode this morning, but I'm back. I wanted to be seriously physically hurt. *shivers* Fortunately, when I'm that far down, I'm usually a shivering wreck on the couch and don't actually do anything to myself. Otherwise, I'd have more scars than the rest of you put together. I am, and have always been, an emotional wreck.
ETA: Then there's the fact that my mom's ex-husband (thankfully not kin to me) was an abusive asshole, and that how my dad treated me probably qualifies as emotional abuse. This while he was comforting my mother and assuring her that of course she had value as a person, of course her work mattered, and of course she wasn't stupid or disgusting or whatever filthy lies her ex had told her. So of course, Mom wouldn't believe an accusation of abuse against Dad if I brought it up. So I don't bring it up.
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Post by Mlle Antéchrist on Aug 30, 2011 19:16:59 GMT -5
I can relate to having fucked up family issues. My dad was physically abusive to my mom when I was a kid, and he became rather verbally abusive towards me when I got into my teens (though he never hit me nor my brother). My brother and I mostly only saw the emotional manipulation and controlling behavior towards my mom (e.g. freaking out because she hadn't had time to finish cleaning the garage due to having to go to bloody work, threatening to kick her out of the house, belittling anything she did, and so on), but we overheard the physical abuse way too many times (as if once wouldn't already qualify as "too much"). It's pretty fucking scary when you're a little kid and you're literally fearing for your mother's life, yet you're too young to truly comprehend that what's going on isn't normal, nor the extent of just how wrong your father's actions really are. The thought process is kind of like, "Sometimes people get mad and they hit people. That's what daddy's doing. I wish daddy didn't do it, but that's what people do... but I really, really, really wish that they didn't."
Anyway, when in Div 2 of elementary school, my mom, brother and I spent a month in a women's shelter while she began filing for divorce. My dad tried to beg her to come back, but she (and I greatly admire her for this) stood her ground, and decided she'd rather go it alone than go back to that, even if it meant working her ass off while she tried to rebuild her life.
It was a very... confusing time, needless to say.
That, coupled with some other shitty things (might elaborate on this if the mood hits me, since it can be cathartic to talk about it) that happened & the fact that depression seems to run on both sides of my family, definitely led to some emotional issues later on, but with anti-depressants and the therapy sessions I used to go to, I think I'm pretty much okay now. Not perfect by any means -- we all have our demons buried away somewhere -- but a reasonably well-adjusted, functioning adult.
Also, Shane: Don't grade your own issues against other people's. Regardless of what one might think is worse, pain is still pain. You have every right in the world to be upset when the people you love are doing things that hurt you.
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 30, 2011 19:55:20 GMT -5
I feel so bad. It seems my family troubles are nothing compared to a lot of your guys'. Never think like this. I'm trying to figure out how to say what I want to say. Basically, how they're making you feel is what's most important. They don't have to be pure scum of the earth, the most unholiest of shiteaters ever to walk the earth, in order for you to be seriously hurt by them. You don't have to be physically beaten in order for them to make you feel horrible, you don't even have to have that much interaction for them to hurt you. If they're being inconsiderate of your needs and feelings, then that's that. They're hurting you. Don't feel bad because you're hurt, 'cause then you'll feel bad that you feel bad that you're hurt, and after that you'll feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad about being hurt, and then... Keiro: Maybe L and I can team up to destroy them. *gleefully considers* Lessee, stakes made of oak wood, a whaling harpoon, a few torches... Oh, so now I need to hunt down mental health "professionals", too? *sigh* Fuckin' shrinks. I don't know how I lucked out with my therapist and everyone else has such shitty experience with psychiatry... |
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Post by Shane for Wax on Aug 30, 2011 23:35:44 GMT -5
and then wibbly wobbley timey wimey stuff? Yeah. I still feel like poo for complaining about my issues. |
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Post by DeadpanDoubter on Aug 31, 2011 1:03:00 GMT -5
NO POO. NO. No pooey feelings for Shaney. *gently rubs head*
I've had to discuss my fucked up but rather unimportant feelings about my best friend right after listening to the horror story of a life that my fellow DBTer has had (had a nervous breakdown and can't remember anything that happened, had her kids unofficially taken away from her and told that she didn't love them, was raised by a crackho, has a bad history of men using her and then wondering why she's upset that they don't want a relationship...) and I was told not to compare my situation to hers. So no comparing and feeling bad about it for you!
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If it causes you issues in any way, don't feel bad.
I'm just...eh about the pronouns, so use whatever you want. If that changes at all for me in the future, I'll let everybody know.