WTF Bible Passages

[kristine]

this one is my favorite and I still haven't heard and apologist on this one...

Leviticus14

1And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest:

3And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper;

4Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

5And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water:

... more ridicules instructions stuff...

14And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:

... more ridicules instructions stuff...

32This is the law of him in whom is the plague of leprosy, whose hand is not able to get that which pertaineth to his cleansing.

...ridicules instructions for clothes and houses that have leprosy...

54This is the law for all manner of plague of leprosy, and scall,

55And for the leprosy of a garment, and of a house,

56And for a rising, and for a scab, and for a bright spot:

57To teach when it is unclean, and when it is clean: this is the law of leprosy.

Now I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure nothing said in L14 is going to do the trick just considering how complicated the cure was according to the Wiki - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leprosy#Treatment

[antichrist]

So that's why my pigeons left home.

Damn, I knew I shouldn't of read the OT to them.

[twinters]

Well, all I can say is read the entirety of Ezekiel 23 which is the story I started earlier. Verse 34:

Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD.

Again, an allegory for what has/will happened to Jerusalem but still, plucking one's breasts off? Eesh. However for me, Ezekiel 4:10-17 took the cake:

10 And thy meat which thou shalt eat shall be by weight, twenty shekels a day: from time to time shalt thou eat it.

11 Thou shalt drink also water by measure, the sixth part of an hin: from time to time shalt thou drink.

12 And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

13 And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them.

14 Then said I, Ah Lord GOD! behold, my soul hath not been polluted: for from my youth up even till now have I not eaten of that which dieth of itself, or is torn in pieces; neither came there abominable flesh into my mouth.

15 Then he said unto me, Lo, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith.

16 Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, behold, I will break the staff of bread in Jerusalem: and they shall eat bread by weight, and with care; and they shall drink water by measure, and with astonishment:

17 That they may want bread and water, and be astonied one with another, and consume away for their iniquity.

english translation - bake bread with human poop. cow poop isn't good enough but human poop...mmmmmm. I can't really think of a good apology here. It's a Jewish book, I pass the buck (it's a cop out, I admit it). It gets "better". 2 Kings 6:24-29

24 And it came to pass after this, that Benhadad king of Syria gathered all his host, and went up, and besieged Samaria.

25 And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver.

26 And as the king of Israel was passing by upon the wall, there cried a woman unto him, saying, Help, my lord, O king.

27 And he said, If the LORD do not help thee, whence shall I help thee? out of the barnfloor, or out of the winepress?

28 And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow.

29 So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.

I...well...yeah. And lastly, Isaiah 16:11 although this is just kinda funny. Isaiah, well...farts.

Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.

[antichrist]

To be honest, if my farts sounded like harps, I'd probably brag about it too.

[yojetak]

Aug 14, 2009 2:25:05 GMT -5 @antichrist said:

To be honest, if my farts sounded like harps, I'd probably brag about it too.

Hell yeah! This guy does:

[Admiral Lithp]

All of this stuff is conveniently not mentioned in that 101 Scientific Facts Within the Bible thig that is always getting thrown around.

[Admiral Lithp]

Aug 13, 2009 9:13:14 GMT -5 dasfuchs said:

I still like the pillar of salt thing "So god's gonna destroy our home huh?" *looks back, poof, pillar of salt* Yeah, completely reasonable

Not only that, it's a ripoff of what happened with Orpheus's wife.

Come to think of it, it didn't make any sense there, either...

Hades had a reputation to protect?

[trike]

Aug 14, 2009 3:15:44 GMT -5 Admiral Lithp said:

Aug 13, 2009 9:13:14 GMT -5 dasfuchs said:

I still like the pillar of salt thing "So god's gonna destroy our home huh?" *looks back, poof, pillar of salt* Yeah, completely reasonable

Not only that, it's a ripoff of what happened with Orpheus's wife.

Come to think of it, it didn't make any sense there, either...

Hades had a reputation to protect?

But at least most Greeks and Romans didn't take their silly myths as literally as many Christians do.

[Ian1732]

And Saint Atilla raised the Hand Grenade upon high, saying

"O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits."

And the Lord grinned, and the people feasted upon lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
(Skip ahead a bit, brother)

And the Lord spake, saying
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.

Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.

Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceedest on to three.

Five is right out.

Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

[twinters]

Aug 14, 2009 11:30:40 GMT -5 Ian1732 said:

And Saint Atilla raised the Hand Grenade upon high, saying

"O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits."

And the Lord grinned, and the people feasted upon lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
(Skip ahead a bit, brother)

And the Lord spake, saying
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.

Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.

Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceedest on to three.

Five is right out.

Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

Yeah but that rabbit owned them.

[trike]

Judges 19 from the LOLcat bible. Kinda more disturbing/hilarious.

www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Judges_19

[renaissanceblonde]

Aug 14, 2009 20:41:13 GMT -5 trike said:

Judges 19 from the LOLcat bible. Kinda more disturbing/hilarious.

www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Judges_19

.... I went there. Wow. That is... wrong.

[Spark]

Aug 14, 2009 20:41:13 GMT -5 trike said:

Judges 19 from the LOLcat bible. Kinda more disturbing/hilarious.

www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Judges_19

[starbrewer]

Everyone here should read Who Wrote The Bible and 101 Myths of the Bible. Yahweh and Elohim sources were hastily pasted together, and some verses got in because of a propaganda war between the two camps.

[DrKilljoy]

20 For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

Verse 20 in modern english is, they're hung like a donkey and ejaculate like a horse. It's an allegory, I know, but a bit graphic for Sunday services.

damnmit, damnmit, damnmit! You beat me to the punch! >=(