Post by trike on Aug 13, 2009 0:32:22 GMT -5
I'm sure that those of us who have read the Bible (or have been forced to listen to inane sermons on it) have come across a passage that just makes you go "WTF?". Passages so sick, twisted or hilarious that you cannot believe that people can take it literally or even seriously.
I'll start, I can hardly stomach Judges 19-21. It shocked and confused me when I was reading through the Bible in my fundiegelical days and it stills makes me feel queasy.
It starts off with a man and his bitch concubine traveling through the country. In a double of the scene of Lot at Sodom, men knock at the door of their host's house and demand the male traveler because they want to sex him up. The host offers his virgin daughter and the other man's concubine. They refuse but the man send the concubine out to them anyways.
In the morning the man is like "Bitch Concubine, let's go" and she doesn't move from the threshold. He puts her on his donkey and continues on his way.
When he reaches his home he cuts her up into 12 pieces. Why? To send to all parts of Israel of course! And then the people decide that the best course of action against a crime so heinous is to assemble an army and wipe out the tribe of Benjamin (that's only reasonable, right?)
So all of chapter 20 describes them fighting the tribe of Benjamin and also some sacrifices to please Bible God and such. And everything in Benjamite cities gets slaughtered, but thats not really that big of a deal since there is only one verse about it.
Then the rest of Israel decides to spare of a few Benjamites. But there is a problem, how shall the Benjamites breed if no one in Israel wants to marry their daughters to anyone from Benjamin? [insert some emo crying shit along the lines of "Why did God allow Benjamin to be destroyed?"] Then they get offended that people are missing from this assembly
It turns out that everyone from Jabesh Gilead was missing, so they decide to kill everyone that have had sex before and/or had penises. They gave the virgins to some guys from Benjamin, but there wasn't enough to go around. And then they cried some more about how they weren't the magical number 12 and blaming God for wiping out Benjamin.
So then they came up with a genius solution, have the Benjamites that don't yet have a babymaker to hide out in the vineyards around Shiloh and then when women come out of the city to dance around, kidnap them. Problem solved!
I'll start, I can hardly stomach Judges 19-21. It shocked and confused me when I was reading through the Bible in my fundiegelical days and it stills makes me feel queasy.
It starts off with a man and his
25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.
In the morning the man is like "
When he reaches his home he cuts her up into 12 pieces. Why? To send to all parts of Israel of course! And then the people decide that the best course of action against a crime so heinous is to assemble an army and wipe out the tribe of Benjamin (that's only reasonable, right?)
So all of chapter 20 describes them fighting the tribe of Benjamin and also some sacrifices to please Bible God and such. And everything in Benjamite cities gets slaughtered, but thats not really that big of a deal since there is only one verse about it.
Then the rest of Israel decides to spare of a few Benjamites. But there is a problem, how shall the Benjamites breed if no one in Israel wants to marry their daughters to anyone from Benjamin? [insert some emo crying shit along the lines of "Why did God allow Benjamin to be destroyed?"] Then they get offended that people are missing from this assembly
5 Then the Israelites asked, "Who from all the tribes of Israel has failed to assemble before the LORD ?" For they had taken a solemn oath that anyone who failed to assemble before the LORD at Mizpah should certainly be put to death.
It turns out that everyone from Jabesh Gilead was missing, so they decide to kill everyone that have had sex before and/or had penises. They gave the virgins to some guys from Benjamin, but there wasn't enough to go around. And then they cried some more about how they weren't the magical number 12 and blaming God for wiping out Benjamin.
So then they came up with a genius solution, have the Benjamites that don't yet have a babymaker to hide out in the vineyards around Shiloh and then when women come out of the city to dance around, kidnap them. Problem solved!