Post by The Lazy One on Aug 16, 2009 22:05:20 GMT -5
From this thread, originally
Some things you might want to know before you start:
Mammon is the demon of avarice, so it makes sense he'd be the accountant.
Prosperine is the demoness of destruction.
Unsere is the demoness of fertility. That's why she's looking for the fetus.
Verrine is the demon of health, so he's going to do the actual "implantation" procedure. Source- I used multiple hierarchies, so you might have to look a bit.
The Fetus Conspiracy – Part One
That Sunday, Satan was very busy. Sundays always were. So many good Christians to tempt and torture on their way home from church... oh, it was a grand day. Today all of his underlings were focusing on tempting members of Ass Crack Nowhere's First Fundamental Baptist Church. Already they had gotten young Cletus Smith (age 18 and none too bright) to download pornography onto the family computer, old Eula Mae Brown (age 75 and not much brighter than Cletus) to steal $100 out of her husband Eustace's wallet. It was turning out to be quite a good day. Satan cackled and sat back to watch the fun on his computer monitor when there was a knock on his door.
“Enter,” he said lazily. The door swung open and Mammon entered, clutching his ever-present accounting ledger. Satan regarded him cooly.
“Don't tell me you've finished pretending to be the IRS to get those churches stripped of their tax-exempt status,” he said. “I just assigned that to you half an hour ago! Not even that god up there can do that!” Mammon nodded.
“You are correct, sir, I am not finished. However, I am here to announce that one of your daughters is here with a request for you.” The Prince of Darkness just looked at his money-loving subordinate.
“Which daughter? You know I have a lot of them,” he said. “If it's Gabrielle Buchanan from Chicago again, tell her I can't give her any more money, or that guy upstairs will start to get suspicious. I can't have her win the lottery every day, you know. The last thing I want is for one of those infernal, nosy church ladies on her block to go to their god about the whole thing. And if Sharon Nagata from Washington D.C. is having problems with her Christian boyfriend trying to force her into going to church again, dispatch Prosperine to take care of the problem, she needs something to do. She's been sitting in the lounge playing Grand Theft Auto nonstop for three days,”
“No sir,” Mammon shook his head. “It's Katie DeMarse, from Los Angeles.” Satan smiled. He liked Katie- she was a good daughter. She did her duty as a good atheistic female by consistently going on rants about evolution and voting Democrat. She never asked him for too much, unlike some of his atheist daughters and sons who always wanted money, or love, or whatever else their little hearts could think of.
“Send her in,” Satan said. Momentarily, a puff of smoke filled the office and the young brunette poofed into the room.
“Hello, sir,” she said politely, lowering her eyes demurely. The Prince of Darkness clapped his hands.
“Welcome, my child! What can I do for you today? It's rare that you come ask me for something, so what would you like? Job promotion? Done. Better apartment? Done. Just say the word and I'll hand it over since you're such a good daughter.” Katie shook her head.
“No sir. Thank you very much for your kind offer, but what I want today isn't a material thing. You know my boyfriend Radley and I have been trying to have a baby for a while now?”
“Yes, I was aware of that,” Satan replied. “Is it not going well?”
“We found out the other day that Radley is sterile. Now we won't ever be able to do our duty to you and bring more atheist children into the world. Isn't there something you can do to help us?” Katie asked sadly. Satan looked at the desk.
“Unfortunately, I can't make your boyfriend fertile,” he said. “But there is one thing I can do. I take it you know what an abortion is?”
“Yes,” Katie replied.
“Well, I can implant an aborted fetus into you that will grow to maturity. You'll give birth normally, and we'll be letting the fetus live. It's a win-win situation for everyone- us and the fetus. Is there a gender you would prefer? Or a place you'd prefer your child to have originated from?” Satan asked. Katie thought for a moment.
“A son would be nice,” she said politely. “But it doesn't matter where the child comes from.” Satan nodded.
“Alright. Give me a few days and I'll summon you down when we find a suitable one. You're free to go. Oh, and if you see Unsere and Verrine, would you tell them to get in here?” Katie said that she would, and left. A few minutes after she had left, Unsere shuffled into the office of the Lord of Hell.
“You called, sir?” she asked.
“Damn right I did,” Satan replied. “I need you to find me a woman who's getting an abortion.” Unsere looked at him suspiciously.
“Uh... why? They're really not that hard to find,” she said.
“Of course they're not hard to find! What I need you to do is look for one that actually might produce useful offspring! We're implating a fetus into a female atheist who wants a child!” Satan shouted.
“Oh! In that case, I'll take care of it! I'll find the perfect fetus for our atheist friend and let you know the time of its mother's appointment. Are there any special requests?” Unsere asked.
“It needs to be a boy,” Satan replied. “And no useless women for its mother. Preferably not a very devout woman.”
“If she's devout, why would she be having an abortion?” Unsere wanted to know. Satan rolled his eyes.
“You know the type. Holier-than-thou but completely disregard their own beliefs when things don't go their way,” he explained. “They're EVERYWHERE. I don't want my grandchild to come from one of THOSE.” Unsere nodded.
“No problem, sir. I'll take care of it!” She turned to leave, but Satan stopped her.
“If you see him, tell Verrine to get his ass in here! I need t odiscuss the medical procedure with him!”
To Be Continued
It's longer, there's more parts. I don't know how many yet. I would keep writing but I'm sleepy. I stayed up way later than I intended writing this... So go ahead. Tell me what you think so far. And if I noobed up the grammar, just point out where and I'll fix it tomorrow.
Nighty night.
Some things you might want to know before you start:
Mammon is the demon of avarice, so it makes sense he'd be the accountant.
Prosperine is the demoness of destruction.
Unsere is the demoness of fertility. That's why she's looking for the fetus.
Verrine is the demon of health, so he's going to do the actual "implantation" procedure. Source- I used multiple hierarchies, so you might have to look a bit.
The Fetus Conspiracy – Part One
That Sunday, Satan was very busy. Sundays always were. So many good Christians to tempt and torture on their way home from church... oh, it was a grand day. Today all of his underlings were focusing on tempting members of Ass Crack Nowhere's First Fundamental Baptist Church. Already they had gotten young Cletus Smith (age 18 and none too bright) to download pornography onto the family computer, old Eula Mae Brown (age 75 and not much brighter than Cletus) to steal $100 out of her husband Eustace's wallet. It was turning out to be quite a good day. Satan cackled and sat back to watch the fun on his computer monitor when there was a knock on his door.
“Enter,” he said lazily. The door swung open and Mammon entered, clutching his ever-present accounting ledger. Satan regarded him cooly.
“Don't tell me you've finished pretending to be the IRS to get those churches stripped of their tax-exempt status,” he said. “I just assigned that to you half an hour ago! Not even that god up there can do that!” Mammon nodded.
“You are correct, sir, I am not finished. However, I am here to announce that one of your daughters is here with a request for you.” The Prince of Darkness just looked at his money-loving subordinate.
“Which daughter? You know I have a lot of them,” he said. “If it's Gabrielle Buchanan from Chicago again, tell her I can't give her any more money, or that guy upstairs will start to get suspicious. I can't have her win the lottery every day, you know. The last thing I want is for one of those infernal, nosy church ladies on her block to go to their god about the whole thing. And if Sharon Nagata from Washington D.C. is having problems with her Christian boyfriend trying to force her into going to church again, dispatch Prosperine to take care of the problem, she needs something to do. She's been sitting in the lounge playing Grand Theft Auto nonstop for three days,”
“No sir,” Mammon shook his head. “It's Katie DeMarse, from Los Angeles.” Satan smiled. He liked Katie- she was a good daughter. She did her duty as a good atheistic female by consistently going on rants about evolution and voting Democrat. She never asked him for too much, unlike some of his atheist daughters and sons who always wanted money, or love, or whatever else their little hearts could think of.
“Send her in,” Satan said. Momentarily, a puff of smoke filled the office and the young brunette poofed into the room.
“Hello, sir,” she said politely, lowering her eyes demurely. The Prince of Darkness clapped his hands.
“Welcome, my child! What can I do for you today? It's rare that you come ask me for something, so what would you like? Job promotion? Done. Better apartment? Done. Just say the word and I'll hand it over since you're such a good daughter.” Katie shook her head.
“No sir. Thank you very much for your kind offer, but what I want today isn't a material thing. You know my boyfriend Radley and I have been trying to have a baby for a while now?”
“Yes, I was aware of that,” Satan replied. “Is it not going well?”
“We found out the other day that Radley is sterile. Now we won't ever be able to do our duty to you and bring more atheist children into the world. Isn't there something you can do to help us?” Katie asked sadly. Satan looked at the desk.
“Unfortunately, I can't make your boyfriend fertile,” he said. “But there is one thing I can do. I take it you know what an abortion is?”
“Yes,” Katie replied.
“Well, I can implant an aborted fetus into you that will grow to maturity. You'll give birth normally, and we'll be letting the fetus live. It's a win-win situation for everyone- us and the fetus. Is there a gender you would prefer? Or a place you'd prefer your child to have originated from?” Satan asked. Katie thought for a moment.
“A son would be nice,” she said politely. “But it doesn't matter where the child comes from.” Satan nodded.
“Alright. Give me a few days and I'll summon you down when we find a suitable one. You're free to go. Oh, and if you see Unsere and Verrine, would you tell them to get in here?” Katie said that she would, and left. A few minutes after she had left, Unsere shuffled into the office of the Lord of Hell.
“You called, sir?” she asked.
“Damn right I did,” Satan replied. “I need you to find me a woman who's getting an abortion.” Unsere looked at him suspiciously.
“Uh... why? They're really not that hard to find,” she said.
“Of course they're not hard to find! What I need you to do is look for one that actually might produce useful offspring! We're implating a fetus into a female atheist who wants a child!” Satan shouted.
“Oh! In that case, I'll take care of it! I'll find the perfect fetus for our atheist friend and let you know the time of its mother's appointment. Are there any special requests?” Unsere asked.
“It needs to be a boy,” Satan replied. “And no useless women for its mother. Preferably not a very devout woman.”
“If she's devout, why would she be having an abortion?” Unsere wanted to know. Satan rolled his eyes.
“You know the type. Holier-than-thou but completely disregard their own beliefs when things don't go their way,” he explained. “They're EVERYWHERE. I don't want my grandchild to come from one of THOSE.” Unsere nodded.
“No problem, sir. I'll take care of it!” She turned to leave, but Satan stopped her.
“If you see him, tell Verrine to get his ass in here! I need t odiscuss the medical procedure with him!”
To Be Continued
It's longer, there's more parts. I don't know how many yet. I would keep writing but I'm sleepy. I stayed up way later than I intended writing this... So go ahead. Tell me what you think so far. And if I noobed up the grammar, just point out where and I'll fix it tomorrow.
Nighty night.
