Polyamory as a Family Structure

[wmdkitty]

I saw a comment over at Ed's that made me stop and think.

I think polyamory could easily become the family model of the future: it would allow two (or more) full-time incomes and a full-time child-carer easily. In fact, weird, polygamous households with lots of grown-ups around to share and specialise in assorted family tasks would probably be a more healthy way in which to raise kids than the nuclear family: it is after all only a variant on the non-breeding aunts/uncles/servants model that so much of our culture used up until the last century.

Support polyamory, for the sake of the children! (I'd love to present these arguments and see if any heads explode.)

Posted by: stripey_cat

So, I'm thinking, if two parents are better than one, surely having three, or four, or more would be better? As long as, you know, consenting adults, blah blah blah.

Not only would the child benefit from two (or more) full-time incomes, but there would also be one (or more) caregiver(s) at home, right? (Again, as long as the arrangement is agreed to by all adults involved.)

It's, like, family, industrial-sized.

I have no real position either way, so long as the child's environment is healthy and stable. I just think that it would be interesting to see a society based on a polygamous family model, with males and females considered equal partners, and family "roles" defined as agreed upon by individual families, rather than expected based on biology. Like, whoever enjoys cooking could agree to do the cooking, or the one who's most into kids taking over childcare, regardless of gender.

How would this family model work, on a practical level? How would this affect society, both on a small scale and a large scale? Are there any drawbacks to this kind of arrangement?

So... uh... discuss and explore. I'll be in and out.

[lighthorseman]

Its been suggested before. Heinlein was a big proponent of various forms of extended, multiple adult families like this.

Also, an interesting book that covers this, among other, subjects, I strongly recommend:
www.sexatdawn.com/

[rookie]

May 6, 2011 2:00:58 GMT -5 wmdkitty said:

I just think that it would be interesting to see a society based on a polygamous family model, with males and females considered equal partners, and family "roles" defined as agreed upon by individual families, rather than expected based on biology. Like, whoever enjoys cooking could agree to do the cooking, or the one who's most into kids taking over childcare, regardless of gender.

Kitty, I think that's the way it works now for the most part, polygamous or not. The person who doesn't like to cook doesn't cook that often, the person who is better at helping with homework helps with homework most of the time, and so on. And as far as being equal partners, well, if you see your partner as unequal, it's time to seriously reevaluate the partnership. Really, Ward and June Cleaver was fiction even back then. As far as the rest goes, I can't speak to that.

[Vene]

'Daddy has a headache, go talk to Mommy or Other Daddy.'

[sylvana]

While it sounds nice on paper I think the drawback of multiple adult families has some problems as in this scenario. With the Uncle/Aunt/Grandparent model, you have a constant caregiver at home for the children who is also someone unrelated to the adult interactions of the parents. This works out reasonably, but there is a reason why most families that are lucky enough to have two parents are two income households. The fact of the matter is that living is expensive, raising a child is even more expensive and so is supporting another adult who is not contributing to the household finances.

Now if we take a Polygamous family example you would have multiple supposedly romantically/sexually involved adults. This is ok really, until you start factoring in the children. The number of offspring has potential to spiral into huge numbers depending on the sexual activities of the adults. Remember that in the uncle/aunt formula the adults are limited to a single pairing. This limits the opportunities for children. (dont get me wrong people can have an exorbitant number of children regardless but lets assume a nuclear family scenario here.)

If we take a 3 adult household of 2 women, 1 male; In the standard nuclear family that would give you 5 children in total (you know 2.5 kids per women) this means that your 2 income household has to support 8 people. Most dual income families have trouble supporting 1 or two children but 5 with an extra adult, is asking a lot. Sure 8+ families with limited income happens a lot, but then you also dont see those families living the nuclear family lifestyle.

Now dont get me wrong here I really have nothing against Polygamy. If everyone consents good for them. I just feel that on paper version of the family assumes 2.5 children with an extra adult to look after the children. This sounds ideal, but in a real Polygamous relationship one would expect all adults to pull their weight (not that bringing up children is not pulling ones weight) but also to have the same opportunities for children of their own.

Lets take the 3 adult scenario I listed before. Ideally it would be a family of 3 adults, 2 incomes and 2-3 children. How decides who gets to have children and how many though? Restrict each to 1 child you begin to end up like china. A free and equal amount for each adult, you get the population spiral I mentioned before.

I just feel that this is a lot like communism, a great idea on paper but unworkable in reality.

{Disclaimer: I do not feel that Polygamous relationships/marriages should be banned, to each their own I say as long as it is what all parties involved wants.}

[John E]

Seems to me that there would be a strong possibility of jealousy and favoritism is such an environment, which could be very bad for the children. That's not to say it couldn't be done without those things, but it's something to consider before entering into a polyamorous relationship, and certainly before bringing children into it.

[matante]

////Edit: I was disagreeing with Sylvana, not John.////

I disagree with that. Families where both parents work don't always have both parents work full time. It very often involves one or both sacrificing part of their working hours to raise the children. If you split that between more people, you could have a matching amount of work time spread among full time employed caretakers and have the same amount as if everybody was part time.
If four people work 30 hours a week, or three people work 40 hours a week and one stays at home, it's financially the same thing (well not if the one leaving the job is the one who had the lowest wage)
I'd prefer the first formula (everyone cut their hours a bit and try to work their schedule around the week) over one staying at home for other reasons than money, but in a strictly financial sense, it works out.

[Dragon Zachski]

While I do support the Polyamorous family structure, I do have to wonder about the benefits myself.

I wonder... would the kids have attachment issues? Or would they simply see all of their parents the way kids normally see their two parents?

The way I see it, though, multiple incomes would be greatly beneficial, as it would essentially lead to a giant bank account. Add into the fact that by pooling their resources together, they'd each have to pay less on the same bills... yeah, it could work financially.

As far as kids go, there's always the risk of children spiraling out of control even in a two partner setup. Ever seen Angela's Ashes? It's more to do with the responsibility of the parents while having sex. Use birth control.

[kmc]

May 6, 2011 14:18:41 GMT -5 Dragon Zachski said:

While I do support the Polyamorous family structure, I do have to wonder about the benefits myself.

I wonder... would the kids have attachment issues? Or would they simply see all of their parents the way kids normally see their two parents?

The way I see it, though, multiple incomes would be greatly beneficial, as it would essentially lead to a giant bank account. Add into the fact that by pooling their resources together, they'd each have to pay less on the same bills... yeah, it could work financially.

As far as kids go, there's always the risk of children spiraling out of control even in a two partner setup. Ever seen Angela's Ashes? It's more to do with the responsibility of the parents while having sex. Use birth control.

I don't think the kids are an issue. I have poly friends, we are poly (although currently it's just us two), and I did the poly thing with my ex for a bit. Our children have been through this with us and they are very well adjusted. They also essentially have three moms and a stepdad (my ex, her gf, me and my husband) and their time is split equally between the two households. They have no issues with having multiple parents in the equation. In fact, it does often work out very well for reasons mentioned above (like there always being someone who can help with homework, etc.)

Just my two cents.

[stormwarden]

The biggest challenge is trust. If polyamory is the way you plan to go, will have to make sure all of your partners not only trust you, but each other as well. And that would require people to know what they are getting themselves into, especially when children get involved.

(Trust me, watch the anime "School Days," or look it up on TVtropes, and you will understand)

[Smurfette Principle]

I read this one Harry Potter fanfic where, while they weren't polyamorous, Sirius, Remus, and their OC wives raised four kids essentially the same way, and apparently it's based on the author's own experiences. And it just seems normal. I mean, you'd have to make sure that adult arguments don't spill over and affect the kids, but that happens with nuclear families, too.

[Oriet]

Sylvana, if we go by how you're presenting the economics, then no two parent household, and definitely no single parent household, could ever hope to have have kids and not rapidly spiral into debt. The thing about having multiple people living together, whether they have sex with each other or not, is that not only do you make it more feasible for someone to stay at home to clean and take care of kids, you are also drastically splitting resources.

Let's use an example of two couples living together, as that does happen frequently, who are in a polyamorous relationship, now only have one bill for rent/mortgage. While they will have a higher rent or mortgage than if they were on their own, that increase doesn't approach the amount that doubling it does (as both couples in this case would have to pay rent/mortgage on their own). This works for other bills as well (phone, internet, cable, electric, garbage/disposal/recycling, gas, etc.), making it so that their overall expenses are quite a bit less than if they weren't together.

[ETA]
Oh, and another reason the population won't spiral. On "polyamorous dating sites" (as I suppose that is what they'd be called), while there is a high number of male-female couples seeking another woman, there was at least as many, if not more, male-female couples seeking another man. A 2 male, 1 female couple has a much lower chance of having 1.25 kids per adult (as that's the expected amount you get from 2.5 kids per 2 adults), as only one can actually become pregnant.

As for the number of kids spiralling out of control, well, not only is there birth control, a lot of the couplings going on are same sex. Two women can't make a baby, and two men can't make one either. Even if they don't use birth control and have the number of "expected" kids per male-female couple, or even more, the fact that their other expenses are drastically reduced means they are able to support a much larger number of children should they choose to have them.

[clockworkgirl21]

Every other site I go to, they talk about what a joy their children are and how they can't imagine life without them. On this site, everyone talks about how expensive kids are and how much trouble they are.

I know both are true, but damn. Anyone here have kids and not regret it?

[Rat Of Steel]

May 7, 2011 2:57:15 GMT -5 clockworkgirl21 said:

Every other site I go to, they talk about what a joy their children are and how they can't imagine life without them.

Christian sites, right? *smirks*

[clockworkgirl21]

No, I don't hang out on Christian sites.