"You might be a liberal if..."

[Professor Cold Heart]

On second thought, you got married in Vermont and your wife’s name is Thomas.

LOL QUEERS

Your dog is smaller than your cat.

LOL SMALL DOGS

If you are a man, your hair is longer than your girlfriend’s.

LOL ALAN MOORE

Your favorite sport is soccer. You pronounce it “foot-bowl”. You can’t name a single player or when was the last World Cup. You never actually watched a soccer match, but saying “foot-bowl” seems like a good answer to give when you are drinking your caramel latte with scones.

From where I'm sitting this makes no sense.

[John E]

What's with all the latte hate? Lattes are delicious.

[Dragon Zachski]

Wait, did he just insult people for calling soccer by its proper name that American football stole from it?

[Professor Cold Heart]

Mar 10, 2011 13:24:23 GMT -5 Dragon Zachski said:

Wait, did he just insult people for calling soccer by its proper name that American football stole from it?

Actually he's insulting people who cal it "foot-bowl". Has... anyone here ever heard of anybody calling it "foot-bowl"?

[anti-nonsense]

what the hell is wrong with small dogs? Besides usually being annoyingly yappy?

I guess he thinks real men own large dogs?

[Amaranth]

I gots to get involved here.

The Ten Commandments in schools will hurt the children, but “Heather Has Two Mommies” won’t.

Has the issue ever been about hurting the children? Or simply separating Church and State?

Can we put the Koran up for display, too?

College students must protest the President (before Obama was elected), but never challenge anything the professor says.

To be fair, with his rampant anti-intellectualism, he's probably never been to college.

Math tests are racist, but there is nothing racist about blacks being admitted over more qualified white applicants.

That's not how it works.

Spending 4 years – make that 5 years – repeating your professor’s liberal slogans is a solid education, but demanding that colleges present all view-points and actually teach the subject is “anti-intellectualism”.

Teach all sides. Weigh them on their merit, though. If you want creationism mentioned in science, be prepared for it being accurately described as a "nuh uh!" response.

Should we also teach the praises of Allah, O wise one?

After spending 5 years in college, you still don’t know when the Civil War took place and you are absolutely certain it had nothing to do with freeing black slaves.

1951! No, wait, 1949! Wait, trick question! There was no "Civil War," because Southerners get butthurt when it's pointed out. Wait, wasn't one of your points:

Education is about “feeling”, not knowing. Logic is the product of white male supremacy in our culture.

Oh. how embarassing for you.

Global Cooling for 10 years proves that there is global warming.

Oh, if only the planet had been cooling for the last ten years. but fuck the facts, MIRITE? Wait:

Education is about “feeling”, not knowing. Logic is the product of white male supremacy in our culture.

Oops.

The best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon. You must also prevent pharmaceutical companies from making a profit.

As opposed to supporting a war by ding nothing more than wearing a ribbon and preventing teachers from making a living.

I think we can agree there are assholes on all sides.

You preach to everyone that diversity is our greatest strength, but you paid half a million dollars more for a house in an all-white suburb than you could’ve for the same house in a black neighborhood.

Psssh. Find me a black suburb in Vermont.

You see racist code-words in all media except in hip-hop singles such as “Kill The White People”.

To be fair, "Kill Whitey" isn't a code word. It's a statement. In fact, I'd find the teabaggers a little more respectable if they just honestly said "Obama's a NIGGER" rather than "Obama's a Muslim/socialist/Witch!"

I'd still think they were collectively a bunch of fuckwads, but at least they'd be fuckwads who stood by their own stupid beliefs.

A "code word" is when you substitute one word to mean another. For example, if I were to call you a "Texan" instead of a "retard."

You oppose all racial prejudice, but think all whites are racist, consciously or not.

That is such a racist thing to say. It's a shame you're "Texan," or you might understand why.

You greet a black person with, “Yo Bro!”

I only say "bro" when mocking frat boys and shooter fans. I do, however, offer them a terrorist fist bump and ask if they need any reparations.

Indians created the United States and Europe became great as a result of Islamic influences. On second thought, Europe isn’t great.

That one was actually kind of funny. You know, like these "You might be a ________" are supposed to be.

But yeah, all that math and science the Muslims created have nothing to do with Europe.

Racial profiling is wrong, but all serial killers are white and all Mexicans are hard-working family men.

Well, they'd have to be. Have you seen the size of their families?

...Wait, I'm supposed to be offended here, right?

US wants to build a wall on the Mexican and not Canadian border because of racism, not because 20 million Mexicans and almost no Canadians cross into the U.S. illegally.

Or nobody picks up on them, because they're white. Or, possibly, because there are different rules. Shit, there I go using logic like an oppressive white male again.

You get out of bed, look at your naked body and at your wife’s, and then think: “gender is a social construct that has no basis in science”.

Actually, I curse biology for giving me a gender which does not match my sex.

On second thought, you got married in Vermont and your wife’s name is Thomas.

His name is Sue, thank you very much.

You bought your son a doll and your daughter a toy truck just to prove that gender is a social construct.

Bah. I'm not worried about that. I played with trucks all the time, and look how I turned out!

...If that doesn't scare the conservatives....

Western women suffer at the hands of men, but Islamic women are greatly respected.

I told this one to my hippie friends, and they want you to share what you're smoking.

The only time you’ve ever used the word “choice” was in reference to abortion. School choice or the choice to shop at Wal-Mart should be prevented at all costs.

Not at all. You should have the choice of where you shop. It's a shame Wal-Mart is so anti-competitive.

If you are a man, your hair is longer than your girlfriend’s.

My wife, Sue, says he is quite offended by this.

You agree with your cross-dressing friend that “our society” is just “too focused” on genitals in determining a person’s sex instead of determining gender by looking at the person’s clothes. Just because she has a penis instead of a vagina, chest hair instead of breasts and a prostate instead of ovaries, doesn’t mean she’s any less of a woman.

I see we don't understand what "cross dressing" is.

Great spirituality is found in Voodoo, but nothing in the Bible.

Don't be silly. Great spirituality is found in drugs!

The Christmas tree should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography “only has to look the other way.”

Are there REALLY that many public displays of pornography in Texas, man?

The Constitution allows desecration of the flag, but makes it strictly illegal to desecrate the Koran.

Article 4 right?

Constitutional rights that are actually written in the Constitution are outdated and should be ignored.

Yeah, conservatives hate it when you horn in on their turf.

You think that the Declaration of Independence is a legally-binding document, but the Constitution should be read any which way you want.

Wait...Glenn Beck is a liberal?

Affirmative action is the way to solve racial problems in America.

It beats putting people on uneven footing and pretending blacks just "don't want" success enough.

Quietly reading “The Bell Curve” on the bus is harassment, but keying someone’s car for disagreeing with you is activism.

Yeah, when I had an anti-war sticker in my rear windshield, I bet it was liberals who put a brick through it and left a threatening note. And those guys who can't leave me alone when I'm reading Harry Potter because it promotes Satanism? Damn libs.

Four year old babies should be frisked at the airport because focusing on nervous young Arabs would be discriminatory.

Of course, if he's a four year old MUSLIM, he should be frisked, because he's probably a terrorist.

You say, “Why do they hate us?” when America is attacked and “we’re just furthering the cycle of violence” when we retaliate.

I know why they hate us. They read hateful bullshit from guys like you cheering on war in the name of "retaliation," remember the dead, and wish they could put your head on a pike.

Governor Sarah Palin is unqualified, but Daughter Caroline Kennedy and Wife Hillary Clinton were great candidates for the U.S. Senate.

Hillary did a little more than throw tea parties at the White House. Besides, according to my mom, Hillary really ran things...>.>

You are more concerned about a politician being endorsed by the NRA than al Qaeda and the Socialist Workers Party.

At least you're equating the NRA to the terrorists they want to allow to buy guns.

None of your friends ever voted for a Republican.

I've voted Republican. My friends have, sometimes at my behest. The closest this comes to being true for me is I don't think any of my friends have ever voted for a Republican for the Presidency. Even then, I voted MCain in the 2000 primaries.

People aren’t successful, they are privileged.

I find people cross "rich" and "successful" a lot. Most extremely rich people have inherrited a good chunk of, if not all that wealth. If you earned it, good. If your daddy bought you a baseball team or a record career, fuck you sideways.

It’s obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but it’s OK for the government to make several times more than that in taxes.

It's totally not dishonest to cook numbers like that.

You are steeped in compassion, but never gave money to charity or donated blood.

HEY! Needles are scary! And I'm a jobless hippie. Don't you follow your own stereotyping, man?

You really wish to go to India to study spiritualism there, but you wouldn’t be caught dead in a church.

Spiritualism =/= dogma

Your car has 8 bumper stickers calling Republicans morons and saying that Bush is a murderer, but that “McCain/Palin” bumper stick you just saw is really offensive so you just had to scratch that car with your key.

My car had one bumper sticker. Until it was removed with a brick.

Fox News is biased, but Al Jazeera isn’t. In fact, Fox News invented media bias.

All media is biased. That's not the issue. If you think otherwise, you just might be intellectually dishonest!

[Mlle Antéchrist]

Mar 10, 2011 13:29:48 GMT -5 Professor Cold Heart said:

Actually he's insulting people who cal it "foot-bowl". Has... anyone here ever heard of anybody calling it "foot-bowl"?

The UK pronunciation can sound a bit like "foot-bowl" to North American ears. I think he's bitching about Americans believing that the English are more cultured or something, and trying to imitate them. That, or he hates English accents.

[Professor Cold Heart]

Mar 10, 2011 14:39:55 GMT -5 Mlle Antéchrist said:

Mar 10, 2011 13:29:48 GMT -5 Professor Cold Heart said:

Actually he's insulting people who cal it "foot-bowl". Has... anyone here ever heard of anybody calling it "foot-bowl"?

The UK pronunciation can sound a bit like "foot-bowl" to North American ears. I think he's bitching about Americans believing that the English are more cultured or something, and trying to imitate them. That, or he hates English accents.

Kind of interesting that he accuses liberals of being anti-European, then.

[Mlle Antéchrist]

Seems almost like that contradiction could be part of a "You might be a far-right-wing lunatic if..." list.

[Amaranth]

Mar 10, 2011 14:56:38 GMT -5 Professor Cold Heart said:

Mar 10, 2011 14:39:55 GMT -5 Mlle Antéchrist said:

The UK pronunciation can sound a bit like "foot-bowl" to North American ears. I think he's bitching about Americans believing that the English are more cultured or something, and trying to imitate them. That, or he hates English accents.

Kind of interesting that he accuses liberals of being anti-European, then.

No, liberals are anti-European but imitate them in an attempt to seem sophisticated.

Though what's sophisticated about soccer hooligans is beyond me.



...Sorry, had to.

[ltfred]

Mar 10, 2011 13:19:17 GMT -5 John E said:

What's with all the latte hate? Lattes are delicious.

Lattes suck. You can't taste the caffeine.

[Mlle Antéchrist]

I hate coffee. It just tastes bitter to me, even with loads of cream and sugar. Tea is much better.

Guess that makes me a wannabe-British liberal pussy or something.

[MaybeNever]

Mar 10, 2011 12:03:38 GMT -5 John E said:

I'm fairly clean cut, etc.

Aren't you bearded? Huh? Hippie? You know who else has a beard? Osama bin Laden!

[ltfred]

Mar 10, 2011 16:00:24 GMT -5 Mlle Antéchrist said:

I hate coffee. It just tastes bitter to me, even with loads of cream and sugar. Tea is much better.

Guess that makes me a wannabe-British liberal pussy or something.

Absolutely right. Tea is for wusses.

[devilschaplain2]

IQ tests should be used to stop the death penalty, but not to determine admission to AP classes.

So he's saying it's okay to execute the mentally handicapped? Well that's horrifying. Also, we never had IQ testing to get into AP classes, it was all about our grades O_0

The Ten Commandments in schools will hurt the children, but “Heather Has Two Mommies” won’t.

Ten Commandments in public schools are unconstitutional. And knowing that gay parents exist doesn't hurt anyone.

African-American, Queer and Women’s Studies prepare young people for good careers, but a biology major is an outdated relic of white, misogynist domination.

Wait, but we're the ones who understand evolution so....yeah.

Math tests are racist, but there is nothing racist about blacks being admitted over more qualified white applicants.

You know what I think is funny? How people who complain about affirmative action and/or minority scholarships automatically assume the people who benefit from them are less qualified than white people. How do they know these peoples' qualifications anyway?

McCarthyism was wrong, but black-listing “right-wingers” from ever teaching in college is just plain old common sense. A right-winger is anyone who doesn’t toe the line on all issues.

Um...care to cite some examples of black-listing "right-wingers" from ever teaching in college? Because I've had several conservative/Republican professors.

After spending 5 years in college, you still don’t know when the Civil War took place and you are absolutely certain it had nothing to do with freeing black slaves.

Wait a minute...a conservative who admits the Civil War was about slave ownership in Southern states? Wow.

You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana.

No, I want them both legal. Along with all other drugs.

You fly on private jets, but feel free to tell others to use only one square of toilet paper to save the environment.

Yep, that private jet that I use to get to my part time job to pay off student loans.

People should be allowed to euthanize themselves, but not to eat in McDonald’s.

I do believe in euthanasia and, for the record, going to McDonald's is also a great way to kill yourself. But if I'm in favor of drug legalization why would I be against junk food?

Career welfare recipients are fat because they can’t afford food.

I've never actually met a "career welfare recipient." Is that anything like corporate welfare fatcats?

You preach to everyone that diversity is our greatest strength, but you paid half a million dollars more for a house in an all-white suburb than you could’ve for the same house in a black neighborhood.

A lot of all-black neighborhoods are afflicted with crime, drug and environmental problems and have been thanks in part to redlining policies. Maybe more people, including black people, would want to live there if we helped those areas? Maybe we should spend more money fixing these places and problems instead of saying "Fuck it, they can pick themselves up by their bootstraps."

You see racist code-words in all media except in hip-hop singles such as “Kill The White People”.

Yes, I believe that was the single from Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog's latest album. What a dolt...

Indians created the United States and Europe became great as a result of Islamic influences. On second thought, Europe isn’t great.

Not quite sure what you're trying to say here...

Black dominance in basketball is progress, but white dominance in swimming is an outrage.

*yawn* Don't watch either.

Racial profiling is wrong, but all serial killers are white and all Mexicans are hard-working family men.

Yes racial profiling is wrong. No all serial killers aren't white. According to the FBI, "Serial killers are not all white males: the racial diversification of serial killers generally mirrors the overall U.S. population." And not all Mexicans are hard working family men. Generalizations are bad : P

There is no correlation between Islamic immigration to Europe and increased anti-Semitic attacks against European Jews.

Citation needed for "increased anti-Semitic attacks against European Jews." Oh and I think white supremacist groups exist in Europe as well, which may be a factor in a problem like that.

You bought your son a doll and your daughter a toy truck just to prove that gender is a social construct.

Shouldn't you let the child choose what toys they want to play with?

People are born with a sexual orientation, but gender is a social construct and nobody is really born with male or female qualities.

If male and female qualities refer to genitalia, breasts, etc. then yes people are born with those. But sexual orientation is something you're born with and gender is indeed a social construct.

Men who are aroused by breasts are abnormal freaks, but homosexuality is biologically normal.

More like men who are attracted to women solely on the basis of breast size are shallow morons and homosexuality is biologically normal. (In this case I'm not using normal to refer to something that's either common or uncommon, but rather to counter what this person obviously meant as an insult.)

Christianity is a threat. Islam is a religion of peace.

Christianity and Islam both have their dangers and cause problems.

The Constitution allows desecration of the flag, but makes it strictly illegal to desecrate the Koran.

Huh?

You think that the Declaration of Independence is a legally-binding document, but the Constitution should be read any which way you want.

The DoI is a legally-binding document? In what way?

Quietly reading “The Bell Curve” on the bus is harassment, but keying someone’s car for disagreeing with you is activism.

No, reading overtly racist books just makes you an asshole.

Four year old babies should be frisked at the airport because focusing on nervous young Arabs would be discriminatory.

Right. Because those are the only choices we have. Either racially profile brown people or frisk four year olds. Yep. No other options.

You say, “Why do they hate us?” when America is attacked and “we’re just furthering the cycle of violence” when we retaliate.

Actually it was dumbfuck conservatives who asked why they hate us after 9/11. For anyone familiar with U.S. foreign policy and religion the answer was obvious.

You aren’t unpatriotic, but you just can’t remember the last time you sided with the United States … on anything… against any country.

Because patriotism means supporting your country, right or wrong.

We had no business going to Afghanistan, but bombing Serbia in the 1990s on behalf of Islamic terrorist Kosovo Liberation Army was vital to our national interest.

Ah, a cheerleader for Slobodan Miloševiæ. How sweet. There was an active genocide going on in Kosovo, regardless of whether or not you think our intervention there was justified. I also believe that intervention in Afghanistan was unjustified.

Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President ever because he believed a flash card that misspelled “potato,” but Obama is a genius despite the fact that he believes that we have more than 57 states.

Isn't there a difference between saying something while being exhausted on the campaign trail and actively believing something? Also, say what you will but that little kid correcting Dan Quayle was one of the funniest moments on television, next to his Murphy Brown gaffe.

You laugh at Dan Quayle, but you still can’t figure out the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

"Your" implies ownership while "you're" is a contraction of "you are."

The Christian Right shouldn’t impose their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because otherwise they won’t do the right thing.

Both the left and the right champion the expansion of government, just in different ways. I want it to give people access to healthcare. You want it to stop 'fags' from getting hitched.

You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism.

Actually one can be proven with actual science, the other can't.

You are steeped in compassion, but never gave money to charity or donated blood.

I've given both blood and money.

Your favorite sport is soccer. You pronounce it “foot-bowl”. You can’t name a single player or when was the last World Cup. You never actually watched a soccer match, but saying “foot-bowl” seems like a good answer to give when you are drinking your caramel latte with scones.

What about making ethnically-insensitive jokes?